When Anger and Perfectionism Collide: How to Reset Your Nervous System Using DBT’s TIPP Skill

As women with perfectionism, one of the most common emotions that shows up is anger.

It might not always look like yelling or snapping — sometimes it’s the simmering kind. The tight jaw, the clenched fists, the tears you hold back because you “should” be stronger.

And often, right after that anger comes something else: shame. You start thinking, I’m not being the perfect mom. I’m not being the perfect partner. I’m not being the person I want to be.

If you’ve ever felt like your anger won’t let you rest — or like you’re always one step away from messing something up — please know this: you’re not alone.

When Anger Becomes the New Normal

I recently met with a client — a brilliant, high-achieving woman who juggles it all. On the outside, she’s “doing amazing.” But underneath, she carries a deep, quiet anger.

She shared something that stuck with me: she’s been through so much trauma that she doesn’t even know when she’s in fight-or-flight anymore. That heightened state of tension has become her normal.

And maybe that sounds familiar to you. Maybe you’ve been carrying so much for so long that you don’t even recognize the difference between stressed and safe.

You’ve defended yourself, tried to stay strong, managed everyone else’s needs — and yet, somehow, it still feels like you’re failing.

That’s what happens when perfectionism and trauma collide. You end up fighting invisible battles, constantly on guard, even when the threat is gone.

You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck

Here’s the truth: your nervous system can learn to reset. You can move out of that loop of fear, guilt, and exhaustion — even if it’s been years since you’ve felt calm.

Today, I want to share one of my favorite tools for those moments when the anger, perfectionism, or anxiety feels too heavy to handle. It comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) — a skills-based approach that teaches emotional regulation, mindfulness, and distress tolerance.

This specific skill is called TIPP, and I’ve modified it slightly to better serve the women I work with — high-achieving, big-hearted women who are learning how to rest without guilt.

So, let’s walk through it together.

T — Temperature

This one’s simple but powerful.

When your emotions feel out of control, a change in temperature can help regulate your body fast.

Try this: go grab an ice cube. Hold it in your hand or run it along your wrist. Notice the cold — how it brings your attention back to the present moment.

No ice? Step outside for a few minutes or splash cold water on your face. That physical temperature shift helps activate your dive reflex, which signals your brain that it’s safe to calm down.

Sometimes, emotional regulation starts with something as small as a splash of water.

I — Intense Exercise

Now, I’m not saying you have to go hit the gym — especially if you’ve got little ones, a packed schedule, or a body that’s already exhausted.

But movement matters. Just five to seven minutes of something that gets your heart rate up can release endorphins and help burn off that adrenaline surge that comes with anger or anxiety.

Try doing jumping jacks, high knees, a quick jog up and down your stairs, or hop on your stationary bike. You’re not working out for fitness — you’re working out to reset your nervous system.

P — Purposeful Breathing

Here’s where I’ve made a small tweak from the original DBT version.

Traditionally, this “P” stands for paced breathing, but I prefer something called purposeful breathing.

You’re not just breathing — you’re signaling safety to your body.

Start with deep diaphragmatic breaths. That means your belly rises as you inhale, not your chest. When you breathe this way, you gently stimulate your vagus nerve, which tells your brain it’s okay to relax.

Once that feels comfortable, try small straw breathing. Inhale deeply through your nose, then exhale as if you’re blowing through a straw — for about 10 to 15 seconds.

It’s harder than it sounds, but incredibly effective. That long exhale slows your heart rate and helps you regain control of your emotions.

Try it the next time you feel your anger rising — you’ll be amazed how that tiny pause can shift your whole state.

P — Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This one is all about reconnecting with your body.

Start at your feet and move upward, tensing and relaxing each muscle group for about five seconds at a time. Notice the difference between tension and release.

Pair this with that deep diaphragmatic breathing, and you’ll start to feel your body “let go” — the shoulders dropping, the jaw unclenching, the mind quieting.

This exercise helps retrain your brain to recognize what calm feels like again.

Why TIPP Works

TIPP works because it speaks directly to your body’s stress response.

When perfectionism or OCD keeps your mind running nonstop, these techniques help bypass the overthinking and give your nervous system a physical reset.

Instead of trying to “think your way out” of anger or anxiety — which rarely works — you give your body a clear signal: It’s okay. We’re safe now.

And when your body calms down, your mind follows.

From Survival Mode to Self-Regulation

If you’re someone who’s been in survival mode for a long time, these steps might feel strange at first. That’s okay. You’ve trained yourself to stay alert — not to relax.

But little by little, skills like this help you retrain your body to rest.

You start noticing your triggers sooner. You start catching yourself before the spiral. You begin to rebuild trust with your own emotions — realizing that anger isn’t the enemy, it’s a message.

And once you learn to regulate that message, you can start showing up as the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be calm, grounded, and present.

A Gentle Invitation

If this resonates with you — if you see yourself in these words — please know that healing is possible.

In my practice, I teach women just like you how to reset their nervous systems, release perfectionism, and finally feel safe in their own skin. We use tools like DBT, mindfulness, and nervous system regulation — and we do it in a way that fits your real life.

If you’re ready to stop fighting with yourself and start living with more peace, I’d love to support you.

Book a consult at valuedriventherapy.com — I may have a waitlist, but when a spot opens, it’s because a client has graduated from therapy. And I’d love to help you do the same.

Until next time, take a deep breath, be kind to yourself — and stay blessed by the best.

• Podcast Transcript

  As women with perfectionism, honestly, one of the most common emotions that shows up is anger. And recently, I was having a session with a client who’s this high-achieving woman — ultra-smart, ultra-intelligent, very well-rounded. And she carries a lot of anger.

  With that anger comes shame, because she feels like she’s not being that perfect mom, perfect spouse, perfect person. Right?

  So, if you’ve ever felt like your anger won’t let you rest — or like you’re always one step away from messing something up — please know that you’re not alone in feeling that way.

  This woman was also sharing that she’s been through so much trauma that sometimes she doesn’t even recognize if she’s in that fight-or-flight mode anymore, because that state of being feels completely normal.

  If you can relate to that, hang around in this episode to hear a strategic way to get yourself out of the anger, out of the perfectionism, and step back into a life you want to live — or step into that identity of how you want to show up.

  Maybe you’ve tried to defend yourself in ways where other people don’t understand. You feel completely misrepresented or misunderstood, even though you’ve carried yourself through deployments, the needs of your kids or grandkids, and let alone the everyday chaos.

  And now, when the perfectionism shows up — or the OCD shows up — it feels like another battle, but you’re fighting it on your own.

  Here’s the truth, though, ladies: your nervous system can learn to reset. You don’t have to stay stuck in that cycle of fear, anger, and guilt.

  So today, I’ve got a simple tool for you — one that comes from a whole theory called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. I modified it slightly just to fit my audience because, well… we’ll get to that part. You’ll see what I mean when we get there.

  This is something that my clients and I practice together. And the best part? It’s an acronym — just like the military loves to use.

  So, this strategy is called TIPP, with two P’s.

  T is for Temperature.

  With this, I love the idea of you going to get an ice cube. In the moment when you’re angry, an ice cube can be a really quick reset. It gives you a physical grounding activity. But if you don’t have access to an ice cube, maybe you can walk outside. Basically, you need some form of change in temperature.

  It could also be going to the bathroom to splash cold water on your face. And even though this sounds really simple, it’s incredibly powerful.

  I is for Intense Exercise.

  And I’m not saying you need to go to the gym, okay? Because I know how it is when you have babies at home or other responsibilities keeping you at the house.

  So, think about doing some jumping jacks, going up and down the stairs, high knees — or maybe hop on your stationary bike if you have one at home.

  With this, just think five to seven minutes. That’s enough for you to get an endorphin release.

  The first P is for Purposeful Breathing.

  This is the part I slightly modified, because the original version says paced breathing, and I’m not so much about square breathing — I feel like it’s just way too basic. So, I like to take things up a notch.

  For purposeful breathing, first you need to understand what deep diaphragmatic breathing looks like. Those are the deep belly breaths where you’re getting a lot of air into your diaphragm.

  By doing that, you’re putting pressure on your vagus nerve, which helps signal to the brain that it’s time to relax.

  Once you’ve got that deep diaphragmatic breathing down — remember, your belly is rising, your chest is not — you can move on to the next technique: small straw breathing.

  I love this technique. I use it myself. It’s very, very helpful for moments of anger or times when you need to pause.

  Here’s how you do it: take a big, deep diaphragmatic breath. Then, when you exhale, you’re exhaling as if you’re blowing through a straw.

  Try to blow out for 10 to 15 seconds. While that doesn’t sound like a lot, it really, really is — especially when you’re exhaling.

  And that pause? It’s often all you need to get a reset.

  The last P is for Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

  I love this technique — you can do it anywhere and everywhere.

  Start with your feet and work your way all the way up your body, going through each muscle group individually — tensing and relaxing.

  Try to tense for around five seconds, then purposefully release. And remember to use that deep diaphragmatic breathing as you move through the exercise.

  If you’re working with me one-on-one or in a group setting, these are the types of skills that I walk my clients through all the time.

  I’ve got handouts, audios, and all the ways that you can feel supported so that you’re successful in implementing these techniques — because these types of skills, among many others, can change your life.

  When you put together the TIPP technique, you give your body and your brain a chance to shift gears.

  All right, friend — that’s a wrap for today’s episode.

  We talked about how anger can often show up for people who struggle with perfectionism. I encourage you to try the TIPP technique.

  And lastly, book a consult with me. I may have a waitlist going on — things have been very busy, yet very successful — because my goal is to help you graduate from therapy.

  So, if I do have a spot available, it’s because someone has graduated from therapy, and I would love to welcome you in the door.

  Go to my website at valueddriventherapy.com and book a consult today.

  And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend.

  All right, y’all — stay blessed by the best, and I’ll see you next week!