The Mental Checklist Trap

💔 Are your relationship worries trying to tell you something… or is anxiety running the show? If you overthink every text, second-guess your partner’s intentions, or constantly wonder if you’re in the right relationship, you’re not alone. This quick quiz will help you separate real red flags from anxious thoughts.

In this episode of 'Bossing Up, Overcoming OCD,' Erin Davis discusses why success at work doesn't always translate to success in romantic relationships. She explains the puzzling disconnects high-achieving women often experience when they excel professionally but struggle with relationship insecurities. Erin uses the example of a high-powered CFO, Melissa, to illustrate how professional skills can be transferred to personal life. The episode covers how to identify confidence gaps and provides practical strategies to build relationship confidence. Erin also introduces her group coaching program, 'Obsessed: Love More,' designed to help professional women bridge this gap and achieve balance in their personal and professional lives.

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:45 Understanding the Confidence Gap

02:53 Professional vs. Personal Confidence

04:28 Strategies for Bridging the Gap

06:48 Melissa's Transformation

08:27 Actionable Tips and Tools

11:53 Final Thoughts and Invitation

✨ Feel deeply connected to your partner without overthinking every interaction. Join my Obsess Less, Love More program to create confidence in your relationship.

💫 Content is proudly sponsored by Thrizer. Sign up with this link or use code “Erin” to have your 3% credit card fees waived for the first $2,500 in charges!

➡️ Please rate the show: scroll to the bottom, tap to rate with five stars, & select "Write a Review" to let others know what you loved most about the podcast! ✍️ Thank you!!

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*This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

DISCLAIMER: https://bit.ly/3ycFiY4

• Episode Transcript

  Audio file

  [00:00:00] Welcome to Bossing Up, overcoming OCD, the podcast designed to help you take control of your life. And boss up to OCD. I'm your host, Erin Davis, OCD therapist and relationship coach. I'm also a wife, mom to three. And dog mama. If you're overwhelmed by thoughts that aren't getting cured in typical talk therapy, it's time to climb out of that valley and enjoy the view.

  Grab your coffee, pop in your AirPods, and join me as we explore proven strategies, personal stories, and expert advice to help you boss up and thrive beyond OCD. Have you ever caught yourself running through a mental checklist before saying anything to your partner? Like, am I being too needy? Do I sound like his mom?

  Am I being controlling? Am I being selfish? Am I being thoughtful enough? Right? Like if you're nodding your head right now. You're not alone. Love can feel like a checklist. Sometimes you're running through a hundred million [00:01:00] things before you even say one thing. People can tell that you're really stuck in your head whenever you're doing all of these checking, and you know how they can tell because you don't respond.

  You're standoffish. You're overthinking things so bad that you're not even having fun, and because you're so standoffish. You honestly look antisocial, even though the whole time you're worried if you're coming across like a narcissist. Here's the thing. According to research with Dr. John Gottman, who does all of this couple's work, he can look at a couple and predict with 94% accuracy if a couple is doomed or not.

  For divorce, so hang around to hear what those signs are and how you can get unstuck from this mental checklist, because today we're diving into why this happens and how to break free from this pattern to experience deeper connection. In this [00:02:00] episode, you'll learn why perfectionism in relationships.

  Leads to disconnection. There are three practical strategies to help get you out of your head and how to communicate with your partner about these struggles. If you enjoy today's episode, make sure to leave a five star review and subscribe so you never miss. Future insights, and if you want to take this work deeper, I've got an email course called The Overthinkers Guide to Love.

  I'll put a link for that in the show notes so you can easily sign up and take advantage of all of those tips. So why do we create these relationship checklist when we're constantly in our heads during interactions? We're not actually present. This mental checklist happens because we're afraid of being perceived negatively.

  Maybe we don't wanna be seen as controlling, needy, or similar to someone. We don't want to be like their mom. You might be checking that list [00:03:00] like. Am I like his mother? Am I like his sister? Am I coming across as mean? Am I being selfish? Am I putting him first? And the list can go on and on. This often stems from past experiences or relationships we witnessed.

  Maybe you grew up with a parent who was controlling and you're terrified of repeating that pattern. Or perhaps you've been in relationships where you were criticized for being. Too much so now you carefully monitor everything you say and do. The irony is that this overthinking makes us appear standoffish or antisocial, creating the very disconnection we're trying to avoid.

  When you're stuck in your head running through your checklist, you're not making eye contact, you're not responding naturally, and your partner can sense that you're not fully present. One client told me that they were so afraid of expressing any needs. That they hardly talked and so their partner felt like that they were [00:04:00] ghosting them all the time.

  And honestly, y'all, I went through the same doubts and mental checklist myself. I was so worried that by calling my husband that I would be bothering him. And to this day, I still have to actively fight that doubt every single conversation because Right, it's not just the phone call. Maybe it's the text that's bothering him or maybe it's the conversation or the question and Yeah.

  And so one day my husband even told me like, Aaron. Can you please call me? Like, and in a way, in so many words, he felt like I wasn't thinking of him, which wasn't true at all. Right? So that's how this doubt creates problems in your relationship. And so that was a wake up call for me of like, yes, I want to connect.

  I'm just afraid I'm bothering you. And he's like, you're not bothering me. I, I like want you to call me. So my husband told me, you're not actually bothering me. I want you to call me. So anyway, that's part of my mental [00:05:00] checklist that I have to work through all the time. And your partner can tell if you're not being fully present.

  And the research backs this up because studies show that emotional disconnection, not conflict is the primary predictor of relationship dissatisfaction. When we're constantly filtering ourselves through a mental checklist, we create emotional distance. So let me share something that has completely changed how I view relationships.

  So going back to Dr. John Gottman, who is notorious for couples work, couples therapy, all the things. He spent four decades, y'all studying thousands of couples and discovered something fascinating. His research shows that he can predict with 94% accuracy, which couples will divorce. Just by observing a few minutes of their interactions.

  But here's the surprising part, and this is crucial for anyone who is stuck in the [00:06:00] mental checklist trap. It's not whether couples argue that determines their success. In fact, 69% of relationship problems relationship are perpetual issues that the couple never fully resolve. What actually predicts relationship failure isn't conflict itself, but how couples communicate during these difficult moments.

  When we're stuck in our heads and running through checklists, we're more likely to engage in what Gottman calls the four horsemen. Those four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Think about it when you're overthinking everything. You're not truly present. You might withdraw, which is stonewalling or become defensive because you're so focused on getting it right rather than connecting.

  On the flip side, this research is actually incredibly hopeful. What do I mean by that? [00:07:00] Well, it means that you don't need a conflict-free relationship. Wow. Right. You don't need to be perfect bonus. What you need is to be present and emotionally connected, especially during challenging moments. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable as we say.

  So the next time you feel yourself running through the mental checklist, remember your willingness to be authentically present, even if it's imperfect, is far more valuable to your relationship than saying the. Perfect thing. This is why the strategies we're discussing today aren't just nice ideas.

  They're backed by decades of research showing what actually makes relationships thrive. This constant mental checking creates a barrier to authentic connection. When you're filtering everything through a checklist, you're not showing up as your true self. [00:08:00] Your partner isn't getting to know the real you.

  And you're exhausting yourself in the process. Think about it. Relationships are meant to be a safe space where we can be ourselves. Yet many of us treat them like a performance review. We're constantly evaluating ourselves, trying to get a perfect score, and in the process we miss the whole point of connection.

  The hidden cost is. Enormous. Like you lose joy and spontaneity in your interactions. Your partner senses your guardedness and may even pull away. You become exhausted from constantly self-monitoring. The relationship becomes a source of anxiety rather than comfort. And you're never truly seen or accepted because you're not showing your authentic self.

  I worked with a client named Sarah, who was so concerned about saying the right thing, that she would [00:09:00] often say nothing at all during disagreements. In fact, she would find things just to shut the conversation down. She thought she was keeping the peace, but rather her partner felt like he was in a relationship with someone who didn't care.

  Right, because when people avoid talking to us or they're not interacting with us, we get this impression that they don't care. The perfectionism that Sarah thought was helping her relationship was actually destroying it. The truth is, your partner fell in love with you, not some perfectly curated version of you.

  You know, a version of you that never makes mistakes or has needs, like, no one ever enters a relationship and thinks, oh, I never wanna deal with your needs unless you're, you're, we're talking about a narcissist, but another episode on that to come in the future. So, honestly, if you're wanting to have freedom from that, and y'all, I'm all about freedom.

  Here are three strategies that can help. Number [00:10:00] one, focus on the facts when your mind starts racing with what ifs. Bring yourself back to what's actually happening in the present moment, not your interpretations or fears, and definitely not the assumptions. We all know what happens when we assume. Okay?

  So solely focus on the concrete reality. For example, if you're worried, your partner seems distant, and you start spiraling about what you might have done wrong. Pause and identify the facts such as what partner is quieter than usual today. That's all I know for certain right now. This technique grounds you in reality rather than letting your mind create elaborate stories.

  So it's about distinguishing between what you know to be true and what you are assuming. One client practiced this by literally writing down the facts and her [00:11:00] assumptions in a journal to track her overthinking. After a few weeks, she could catch herself much quicker. When she was veering off into that assumption territory.

  So it's so much easier when you can call this stuff out, when you can recognize, nope, that's just worry land, or that's an OCD story, or whatever you want to label it. Bring yourself back to the present moment and to the facts. Second, and I would say this one is equally as important as number one is practicing gratitude.

  I can't underestimate enough how much gratitude can be so powerful. It can help you in the moment. Notice. What's going well in your relationship? It brings your attention to the present in a way that is so positive and healthy and uplifting. And research shows that practicing gratitude actually changes our brain chemistry.

  [00:12:00] Wow. And it changes our brain chemistry by reducing anxiety and increasing our capacity for connection. It's not just a nice idea, y'all. It's actually neurologically transformative. So if gratitude is one of those things that you have a hard time doing, I recommend. Doing it first thing in the morning, even if it's just three minutes of saying out loud or writing it down, it needs to be in the external environment.

  You can't just think it in your head, put it out there in the world about what you're grateful for, and in the case of relationships, really focus on those things that you are grateful for. About your partner, about the relationship, about the way things are going. So it could be as something as small, like, I appreciate how he made me coffee this morning, or something deeper.

  Like, I'm grateful for how he listens to me without judgment, and let me share with you a [00:13:00] powerful research finding that can transform the way you approach your relationship. Dr. Sarah Algo at the University of North Carolina published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology looking at the impact of gratitude on romantic relationships.

  How fascinating, right? What they discovered was remarkable. When partners actively expressed appreciation for each other's actions, they experienced significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and connection. How amazing. And they noticed it so much so that the researchers called gratitude a booster shot for relationship satisfaction because it created an upward spiral of positive feelings and behaviors between the partners.

  And here's why this matters for those of us caught in this mental checklist trap, [00:14:00] when you're constantly analyzing what might be. Going wrong, you're missing opportunities to notice what's going right. This isn't just about saying thank you more often. It's about training your brain to look for the good instead of scanning for problems.

  When you're stuck in the mental checklist, you're essentially programming your brain to find flaws. However, gratitude and the practice of gratitude reverses this pattern. So tomorrow morning when you wake up. Try writing down or saying out loud three specific things that you appreciate about your partner or your relationship.

  Be detailed and notice how that simple shift enhances your emotional state and creates space for genuine connection. Alright, third tip is open communication. And I know that this can feel vulnerable and it may feel scary to be open with [00:15:00] your partner about this mental checklist. Now you might be wondering, how do I actually have this conversation with my partner without making it awkward?

  So here's a simple script and you can adapt to make it work for you. It can sound like. I've noticed something about myself that I wanna share with you. Sometimes I get so caught up in my head worrying about saying or doing the right thing, that I'm just not fully present with you when this happens. I might come across as distant or uninterested, but the truth is I'm care so much that I'm overthinking everything.

  I'm working on this. And if you could just gently point it out. When you notice I'm stuck in my head, feel free. Okay. So most partners are relieved to understand what's happening and appreciate being included in the solution. Remember, your partner wants to connect with you and they are willing to support you any way they can, and in [00:16:00] this way, you are being very clear and direct on how they can support you.

  And ultimately you're gonna build a greater bond together. So today we've explored why love can sometimes feel like running through a mental checklist. We've talked about the hidden cost of relationship perfectionism, and three powerful strategies to break free, such as focusing on the facts. Practicing gratitude and communicating openly with your partner.

  Remember, the goal isn't to become perfect at never overthinking. The goal is to notice when you're stuck in your head and have tools to bring yourself back to create that connection. The most beautiful relationships aren't perfect. They're actually authentic. When you let go of the checklist, you make space for something much more valuable.

  Being truly loved and seen for who you are. If today's episode resonated with you, [00:17:00] I'd love to hear which strategy you're going to try first. And if you're ready to take this work deeper, I invite you to apply for a free discovery call to learn more about my obsessed Less Love More program. This 12 week journey helps high achieving women break free from relationship anxiety and experience deeper connection.

  Visit live beyond doubt.com/o LM Community and click apply now to get started. Now you know how to recognize and overcome this checklist thinking in your relationship. And how about for those of you that use intimacy to get reassurance for your relationship? I've got that episode coming to you next week with a special friend of mine, Debbie Coddle.

  So make sure you subscribe to the show so you don't miss it. See you next week and stay blessed by the best.

• Show Links

  ✅ Break free from the mental spiral so you can fully embrace the love you deserve. Download my 10 Tips for ROCD Checklist here.

  ✨ Feel deeply connected to your partner without overthinking every interaction. Join my Obsess Less, Love More program to create confidence in your relationship.

  💫 Content is proudly sponsored by Thrizer. Sign up with this link or use code “Erin” to have your 3% credit card fees waived for the first $2,500 in charges!

  ➡️ Please rate the show: scroll to the bottom, tap to rate with five stars, & select "Write a Review" to let others know what you loved most about the podcast! ✍️ Thank you!!

  *This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

📌 Got questions about OCD, relationships, or mental health? Meet “Erin On Demand”—an AI version of me, trained with my expertise and available 24/7 for free.