Divorce Ideation: How OCD Shows Up In Marriage | Ep 52

Ever found yourself obsessing about divorce despite being in a healthy, loving relationship? You're not alone. Join me as I dive into the concept of 'divorce ideation,' a term I coined, to explain how these distressing, intrusive thoughts can impact your romantic relationships.

We'll explore common scenarios that trigger these obsessions, such as trivial disagreements or social media comparisons, and discuss the compulsions that make things worse. I’ll also share strategies to help you manage these thoughts and reclaim your peace of mind. Plus, learn about my upcoming group coaching program designed to support those struggling with relationship obsessions. Tune in to understand why you're feeling this way and how you can find clarity and joy in your relationship again.

00:00 Introduction to Divorce Ideation

02:07 Understanding Divorce Ideation

05:07 Scenarios of Divorce Ideation

10:29 Obsessions and Compulsions

19:21 Strategies to Overcome Divorce Ideation

21:59 Conclusion and Coaching Program

• Episode Transcript

  [00:00:00] 

  Erin: Are you in a loving, committed relationship and find yourself obsessing about divorce, about leaving your partner, even though things are great, there's no reason you should be thinking about. Leaving your partner and sometimes it's Bewildering to find yourself wondering what would happen if I left.

  Today's episode is for you because I'm going to be talking about [00:01:00] How your obsessions could be showing up in your romantic relationships

  And on top of that People struggling with OCD are more likely

  to have a strain on their relationships simply because the OCD loves control and your partner may become frustrated by all the questions, you know, the asking of reassurance or how you may be withdrawn because you're so in your head from the obsessions.

  [00:02:00] In today's episode we're going to be talking about this concept that I developed. I don't know that it's out there anywhere else in the world except in my brain and I'm so excited to introduce this idea to you because it's I feel like it can be groundbreaking if you find yourself in this obsessive cycle about divorce and I call it divorce ideation.

  Erin: This is when someone obsesses about the idea of divorce, even when you're in a healthy and loving marriage. These thoughts can feel incredibly distressing. So let's unpack what all this means, how it shows up in your life and how it can have an impact on your marriage. And then we will. wrap up with what to do about it. So hang around until the end so you can grab all of the tips and strategies.

  Now, to be clear, you may have never heard of divorce ideation before and that's okay [00:03:00] because it's something I've created and it really feels like a solid explanation of what's happening for folks that are in a negative space when thinking about divorce, even though they have a healthy relationship, healthy marriage. So what exactly is divorce ideation?

  Let me be clear and share that it's not just a fleeting thought or it's not like a thought you have every day. When you're having an argument with your spouse, right? We all experience intrusive thoughts being the unwanted involuntary thoughts, but divorce ideation in this perspective manifests as persistent relentless and intrusive thoughts about ending your marriage and it's creating unnecessary [00:04:00] stress and anxiety for you. And so much so, you may have already started acting on the compulsions. And so we'll get into what those compulsions sound like in a bit and, and what they look like. So from my experience, it seems like this situation is common among married couples. OCD sufferers but yeah, this experience seems common with people who have OCD and it's not. really talked about, you know, in a way not to get on a soapbox, but our society pulls the divorce card too often. Now, I totally get it if you're in an abusive relationship or there are other circumstances that warrant divorce. For today's discussion, it's going to be focused on the healthy relationships and the healthy marriages where you are still experiencing thoughts of leaving even though there's no signs of trouble or merit for what's [00:05:00] happening.

  So to further explain what this experience is like, let me talk you through a few scenarios. So let's imagine it's a beautiful Saturday evening. You and your spouse are cuddled up on the couch watching your favorite movie. And everything feels perfect.

  And because it feels so perfect, right? OCD wants to steal the show. And all of a sudden you're getting this thought coming in and it crosses your mind like, What if I'm not happy? What if I want a divorce. What if I get a divorce? And the thought doesn't simply fade away. It's hanging around and spiraling in your brain and it's cycling in there with more questions of am I truly happy? , what if I've just settled? What if I could find someone better?

  So imagine how going from this nice, warm, comfortable experience with your [00:06:00] spouse to all of a sudden a storm inside of your brain That's stealing the joy and it's overshadowing This beautiful moment that you could be having with your spouse And therefore it's creating this emotional distance between you and your spouse, you know Our spouses can pick up on our energy They can. I know some of you feel like, oh, my so and so ignores me. They don't ignore you. They may not know how to bring things up with you, which is a whole different story, but overall, instead of you enjoying the evening, you're distant and withdrawn, and that creates some confusion for your partner. They can sense when something is off, but they really can't put their finger on it and they may even start to go down the path of assumptions or you guys have a misunderstanding and therefore you're left with tension, which could have been a nice evening, but it [00:07:00] didn't turn out that way.

  Here's another scenario of how divorce ideation can show up.

  Let's say you and your partner have a disagreement over something trivial, like something minor, like what to have for dinner. You talk about your opinion, your choice, like, hey, I'd love to have spaghetti. Your partner disagrees and says, well, no, I'd rather have pizza. Pizza, pasta, same, same. No, I'm just kidding.

  But, Because they disagree, suddenly you're hit with a barrage of questions, again in those intrusive thoughts, internally, mind you. Where you're thinking, if we can't even agree on dinner, how can we make it work long term? Maybe I should just leave now before it gets worse. So your brain has totally jumped from dinner all the way to life altering decisions.

  So instead of simply working through the dinner choice in [00:08:00] a

  logical, reasonable way, your brain has started to obsess over this quote unquote argument and it's interpreting it as a sign that there's marriage trouble or you're doomed for failure. So you could find yourself in a place of emotional withdrawal, , Or more conflict with your spouse because, you know, whenever you get fixated on an idea, we tend to get snappy, right?

  Because we're so focused on something that we don't have space for anything else.

  How about this scenario? So, you're scrolling through social media, and social media is a double edged sword. Like, it's great for connecting and keeping up with people, But where it can fall into trouble is when you start doing the comparison game. And I like to call it Comparisonitis. And comparison is the thief of [00:09:00] joy.

  So you're scrolling through,

  so you're scrolling through Instagram and you see friends posting about their seemingly perfect relationships. Maybe they're off on a cruise or they're out to a romantic dinner or doing all these things. Nice wonderful things where your brain starts to pop up another thought. Thoughts of like, Oh, they look so happy.

  What if I'm missing out? Like, since my partner doesn't like to do those things, what if they're not right for me?

  And so the impact of this can lead to constant comparison where you start to doubt your partner and the relationship. Those fun moments that you guys have had, you know, in doing your fun things, even if it's not a romantic dinner, if it's

  going for a walk or a hike together, or [00:10:00] even, seriously, even just cuddling on the couch, keeping it simple.

  All of those fun, enjoyable moments all of a sudden feel like you're second guessing yourself. You're second guessing the relationship. Like what if I didn't really enjoy those moments like I thought I did. And so you start to feel unfulfilled and you're anxious about your happiness or even the state of your relationship.

  And so those are just a few scenarios of how the divorce ideation can show up.

  And those are primarily the obsessions because the obsessions are the, internal things that are happening in your brain and obsessions can show up in any shape or form of thoughts images or urges

   [00:11:00] So here's what can happen if you

  Erin: [00:12:00] if you are in this cycle first of all the cycle comes from dwelling on the thought and giving the thought power and You'll notice that you're in the cycle because the more the thought comes up, the more anxious you become, and it's leading you down a road of more doubts and fears.

  You've started to notice that you're in a feedback loop where the thoughts are creating more anxiety and the more anxiety you're having, the more distant you feel from your partner.

  And so the more you focus on it, the more It's like you're trying to check if this is right for you or it's creating more upsetting thoughts

  and the louder it's becoming and it's drowning out any positive vibes and signals of your love and connection.

  Now, the [00:13:00] compulsions are the things that are feeding the cycle.

  So let's run through a series of compulsions which are the behaviors that you're, which are the behaviors that someone could be doing if they have these obsessional thoughts and these type of obsessions, because

  yeah, depending upon what your fear is, like OCD is a shapeshifter. So here we go. Here's the list. So first of all, you could be doing Reassurance seeking, where you are frequently asking your spouse or your friends or your mom about the stability of your relationship. Or maybe you're asking your partner about their feelings for you, like, do you love me?

  Do you think we're going to be forever? Do you, , or kind of like doing a reverse check of, we're not going to get a divorce, right? We won't, promise me we'll never get a divorce. [00:14:00] Like, that kind of thing. Alright, another way this can show up for someone with OCD or these relationship obsessions and the divorce ideation is the like excessive analyzing.

  All right. So you're over analyzing conversations, interactions or events to find the red flags. And I, and those are like air quotes because there's in reality truly no red flags, but your brain is misinterpreting the information as a red flag. You could also be researching divorce. I found this a lot with people who are in this cycle where, You know, you're going to Google for a lot of answers anyway, but in particular, You are researching divorce where you're spending a lot of time, like an excessive amount of time researching divorce laws, processes, maybe the experiences of [00:15:00] others who've had divorce, or maybe you're already going another step further and consulting with a lawyer, but you are fraught with anxiety, not because you're afraid of leaving, but it just doesn't feel right.

  You could even be journaling in a way that you are writing a pros and cons list because you're trying to convince yourself like the pros outweigh the cons or the cons outweigh the pros and so you keep repeating this and sometimes you'll feel a little bit resolved until the obsession comes right back and then you're doing this compulsion again where you're writing out the pros and cons with No actual resolution.

  You could be replaying past events in your mind where you're Continually replaying so it's kind of like ruminating, right? You're going back and rehearsing things that bring you anxiety [00:16:00] But in the sense of divorce ideation and it being a compulsion You're continuously replaying past arguments to see if it Warrants divorce in your mind,

  you could be checking your own feelings right where you could be checking those emotions of do I really love my partner? Or you could be in that daymare, you know, the nightmare where you're daydreaming about what would it be like if I left, just to check yourself to see if you would feel upset, or if you would feel good, or whatever the checking intent is, but it's not helpful.

  Okay,

  one of the other compulsions which I mentioned earlier is the comparison of relationships. You're comparing your relationship to others to evaluate the stability and the value of your relationship [00:17:00] and normally comparison never amounts to anything positive.

  Another thing you may find yourself doing is

  Looking for validation in all sorts of places, but you know, typically the wrong place if we're being real, but you may be over analyzing your dreams or things that you're reading online or the people you're talking to because you're so obsessed with this idea of divorce that that's the only lens you're looking through.

  And so you may even like say a prayer of like, God give me a sign that this is what I need to do. And so you're going through your day and trying to interpret and find and search and check for this sign. And

  all it is is a compulsion. It's not giving you a clear answer, but yeah, you're searching for hidden meanings or warnings. And all [00:18:00] of these compulsions can exacerbate your stress and anxiety and the tension in your marriage and you are deserving of a healthy marriage. You are deserving of a healthy relationship full of love, trust and respect and connection.

  So if you find yourself struggling with divorce ideation, I encourage you to join the waitlist for my group coaching program that's to be released in January of 2025. called Obsess Less, Love More, Rethinking Your Relationship Without Doubt. This is a 12 week group coaching program that's designed to help you if you're struggling with relationship obsessions, and you're ready to break free from the doubts and the intrusive thoughts that are interrupting and interfering with your romantic relationship.

  In this group, we're going to talk about how you can help your relationship with your loved one. We're going to support each other and I'm going to provide you tips and strategies and skills to help you find clarity and peace to [00:19:00] reconnect with your true feelings and your true self and move forward in your relationship without any constant second guessing.

  So go to my website at value driven therapy dot com. Click on the tab that says work with Aaron and go down to the group coaching program.

  Okay, so before we Fully wrap up today. Let me leave you with a couple of tips and strategies to help you if you find yourself in this situation. First of all, I encourage you not to research on the internet. Time and time again, people will research on Dr. Google and they fully rely on Google, which now you know what we might be shifting GPT.

   So don't rely on chat GPT or Google or any of these online resources. about your, the value and stability of your romantic relationship, okay? You can, now obviously get the help [00:20:00] of a professional, and especially someone , who specializes in OCD as they can help you identify these obsessions and go through the hierarchy to help you in delaying, decreasing, and skipping these compulsions. I challenge you. to decrease the amount of time you're spending on Google with the research.. I think it would also be very helpful for you to kind of zoom out from what's happening and recognize these thoughts as simply thoughts. You don't have to give them power. You can acknowledge them as involuntary and unwanted.

  And that doesn't mean it's a reflection of your true reality.

  Even if you experience an intrusive thought about your marriage or about divorce, it doesn't define your relationship. I encourage you to also focus on gratitude. Your [00:21:00] gratitude could start by writing down one positive thing about your relationship or your partner each day because this can help you in shifting your focus from doubts to the positive aspects about your marriage.

  Mindfulness is another helpful strategy where you can practice being in the here and now where, and you can focus on the facts. And overall, once you get into therapy, you can learn more about mindfulness. You can learn more about exposure response prevention. You can learn more about the inference based cognitive behavioral therapy.

  All of these techniques can be combined together to help you effectively enjoy your marriage

  and help you in challenging these thoughts so that you know that they're not true and they don't align with your values.

  So, to [00:22:00] wrap up, divorce ideation is when you think about divorce, but it brings on anxiety. And in particular, this thought comes up even though you have a healthy relationship. Like you know you love your partner and you want to be together. Divorce goes against your values. There's no merit

  to warrant these kinds of thoughts. Okay, and we talked through the different scenarios of how the obsessions could show up and how the compulsions can look in your life.

  And then we ended with the strategies and also an offer for you to join my group coaching program. This is open to anyone where we're going to be meeting weekly for 90 minutes for 12 weeks. So again, go to my website at value driven therapy. com to learn more about the group coaching program called Obsess Less, Love More, Rethinking Your Relationship Without Doubt.

   [00:23:00] Thank you all for tuning in to this episode about divorce ideation

  Erin: and come back next week where we're going to be talking more about relationship OCD and how obsessions interfere with the love of your life. [00:24:00] 

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