It Feels Like My Partner Doesn’t Trust Me
Hey there, does your partner constantly ask for reassurance with questions like 'Do you love me?' or 'Are we meant to be together?' If so, your relationship might be haunted by relationship obsessions. Start with my relationship OCD quiz to see if your relationship worries are normal.
Buckle up for this episode where I dive into how these obsessions impact your relationship and what you can do about it. Stick around for pro tips to help restore trust and peace. I'm also chatting about the movie 'Silver Linings Playbook' and how common interests like dancing can strengthen bonds. Spoiler: You can't talk your partner out of these obsessive thoughts, but there are ways to cope and grow. Tune in for insights, strategies, and a dose of empathy to tackle relationship OCD head-on.
00:00 Understanding Relationship Obsessions
01:52 Impact on Trust and Exhaustion
02:31 Introducing the Obsess Less Love More Program
03:21 Silver Linings Playbook: A Case Study
06:46 Common Misunderstandings in Relationship Obsessions
11:04 Strategies to Support Your Partner
16:40 Setting Healthy Boundaries
20:07 Encouragement and Patience
22:31 Summary and Next Steps
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[00:00:00]
Erin: Does your partner constantly ask you for reassurance, like reassurance? That sounds like, do you love me? How do you know we're meant to be together? Or, don't break up with me because I don't know what I would do without you.If any of this sounds familiar, you may be in a relationship with someone who has relationship obsessions and so listen to the full episode to hear
[00:01:00] What happens with relationship obsessions how it impacts the relationship and what you can do about it hang around until the end to hear the tips and strategies to help get your relationship Back on a path where you feel trusted and you feel like you have your person back really erode on the trust of the relationship. Even though you've done nothing to break your partner's
[00:02:00] trust, it can feel like it's a guessing game. If your partner trusts you that day or wonders how many questions are you going to get over text while you're at work, right? Like it can be very exhausting if you're the partner of someone who has relationship obsessions.
Erin: Because it feels like no matter how much reassurance you give or no matter how much Time and energy you give to these questions. It feels like it's never enough
So as you're listening today if a lot of this resonates with your relationship Go to my website at value driven therapy calm and click on the section that says work with Erin and go to the Obsess Less Love More program where you can join the wait list to be the first to know , when the program is going to officially launch. So that way you get priority access in enrolling. That program is designed
[00:03:00] to help your partner learn how to deal with these obsessive thoughts
Erin: And find a way to fully embrace the love and trust in the relationship without the impact of the doubt. So again, the website is ValueDrivenTherapy. com the group coaching program , where your partner can get signed up for the relationship coaching program.
So some of you may remember the movie called the silver linings playbook. Love that movie because The actors are great, and it's got a lot of key points about mental health. And so the main characters are Pat and Tiffany, and they both find themselves in a place of struggle. Pat is played by Bradley Cooper and Tiffany is played by Jennifer Lawrence. And Jennifer Lawrence won the Academy Award for Best Actress. in this film, by the way. So I really love this movie
[00:04:00] because Pat's got his obsessions and his worries about his ex wife, whereas Tiffany, she's going through her own stuff with depression. So in the movie, Pat gets released from a psychiatric hospital and he's determined to get back with his ex wife. And you could see his Dad has these obsessive tendencies about the Philadelphia Eagles and the whole football game. Like you got to sit in a certain place, you got to wear a certain thing. You need to be with me during the games. But more or less , Pat and Tiffany get together because Pat and Tiffany both have their own struggles and they ultimately build a bond through dancing. And it was a Kind of a complicated love story for a while because Tiffany loved Pat, but he was obsessed with his ex wife. Now, obsessions in this
[00:05:00] way, Pat longed for his wife, and he may have experienced intrusive thoughts about his ex wife. I don't know, but when we're talking about relationship obsessions, it's more about those distressing thoughts. So anyway, they ended up doing this dance contest and they made a bet where they had to get a certain score. So I think the score was like around five points or something. So it was obviously not high. They were looking for a score of like five out of ten. And whenever they ended up getting that five out of 10, they totally freaked out and really celebrated. But, through that common connection of dancing, that allowed them to grow their bond. And so with any couple that is experiencing Difficulties and trust problems, I highly encourage you to seek a common hobby together.
[00:06:00] Because ultimately what you're doing, when you have this common interest, you're creating opportunity to have fun and create space for fun things. Otherwise, if you stay stuck in these cycles about what if you don't love me, what if you cheat on me, what if you're not the one, like that's way too much time and energy being spent on things that are not growing your relationship. So the Silver Linings movie was really enjoyable because there was a silver lining in the end. Even though they had their mental health struggles, they found each other and they grew and built a bond together. And they came out healthier on the other side. Let's talk about the misunderstandings that can happen in any relationship, but especially with a relationship when someone has obsessions and intrusive thoughts. it can
[00:07:00] be easy to think that the thoughts are controllable, as if the person could simply will away the thoughts. Here to tell you that's not possible. They need to be able to behave their way out of these thoughts and feelings. You won't be able to talk them out of it. And if you could, you would have done it by now, right? Because I'm sure you've already answered a hundred million questions and you're still getting the same question.
You may also be under the assumption that therapy is a one sided solution or relationship coaching is. one way ticket to healing when in fact therapy and or relationship coaching could be beneficial for both of you because there are great things that you can learn to support each other and to grow as a
[00:08:00] couple. Another assumption is that people assume that when one person has the relationship obsessions, That they're the only one being impacted. They're the one that is struggling when that's not true. And that's exactly why I created this episode for you today, because you struggle too. You also triggered whenever your partner brings up those doubting questions. And it can feel very agonizing when you're in that space of feeling like your partner doesn't understand, or maybe you haven't explained it well enough or quote unquote good enough for them to get it. And here's the thing. OCD brain will continue to ask over and over again until you know how
[00:09:00] to respond correctly. And overall, relationship obsessions are more common than you think. And a lot of people miss the signs of OCD because they Our society is so stuck on the germophobia with the handwashing and contamination fears that we can't possibly imagine our fears showing up in a romantic relationship, like that just feels weird. weird, but there are so many parallels in the obsessions and OCD is a shape shifter. And so it will morph and find its way into the things that you love most.
And so that's why you're seeing it show up in your relationship because your partner really loves you. that may feel hard to believe right now, especially if your partner is in a spiral of questions and
[00:10:00] anxiety and worry. They love you a ton and they're wanting 100 percent guarantee on this relationship. And let's take the pressure off for a second. Like you are human and 100 percent certainty on anything because guess what? No one can. I'm here to help take that pressure off of you and help your partner. regain control and confidence in the relationship so that you both can benefit. Oftentimes these relationship obsessions lead to a lot of strain on a marriage or on a couple. And so many times a new client will show up for a consult and they'll say, my husband or my boyfriend told me I really needed to get some help because I I have a feeling you guys are at your wits
[00:11:00] end with all the questions and checking. So I'm going to give you a couple of strategies to help support you. And again, you can go to my website at valuedriventherapy. com. Check out the details there and encourage your loved one to sign up for some support because when they get support, you feel supported too.
[00:12:00] So whenever your partner is asking for a lot of reassurance, let's say around cheating, it can lead you to feel confused and maybe even feel like you're being micromanaged or your partner is helicoptering your every move because there's so many ways to check people's whereabouts. It's scary. And a lot of couples do the life 360 or the find my friends. location to each
[00:13:00] their own. But let me go ahead and throw in a strategy here.
Erin: Don't check it. In fact, if you have a problem with checking, now, hear me out. If there is no legitimate reason to check for their whereabouts, don't check. Okay. If there is no evidence that trust has been broken, don't take your relationship down the path of doing all this checking and reassurance. Try to nip this before it even starts.
So whenever your partner is asking all these questions of are you cheating on me? It can get very tiring to answer those same questions day after day. You may start to feel angry, resentful, bitter, you want to shut down, or maybe even you start to entertain the thought of cheating because you're like, well, they already believe I'm doing it, so whatever.
[00:14:00] Like you're just that pissed off. Not that you're that kind of person or whatever, but, or nor would you want to truly do that to your partner, but you're just getting so tired of the questions. And you may notice that your partner does a lot of researching on their phone, or maybe you notice they're on their phone a lot, and when they're on Google, it's looking up different phrases of like, how do I tell if my partner's cheating? Or how do I know if they're the one? And like, that can suck too, right? Like if your partner's looking that up, it's like, well, how do you not know? That I'm the one. Why do I need to give you more proof or reassurance that I'm it for you? So it can lead you to feel inadequate. Let's pivot and talk about those communication strategies and tips that you can do if your partner is in that
[00:15:00] spiral. with the reassurance seeking and asking for questions. So first of all, you may want to just establish open communication in the sense of like where you're not judging your partner for their thoughts. Like you're just trying to be a listener and I know that can be hard and that's why I encourage you to seek out support from a therapist. I'm also going to have an opportunity in the relationship coaching program where you can attend and get support for you as well. So be kind of like a date night, a version of a date night, but on zoom and getting coaching advice. With the communication, you're going to be talking through these fears as if it is a third person.
Now, when your partner is asking you for reassurance, You can validate how they feel and what I mean by validating it means you're showing empathy. Okay, not
[00:16:00] sympathy Empathy means you understand that these Thoughts or the thoughts behind the questions are leading your partner to feel a certain way.
What you're doing with empathy is you're acknowledging that they're going through some difficult emotions. So you may say something like, I can see why that would be upsetting for you, , or I understand how that can feel difficult. So, again, whenever they're asking a question, you're not giving them a yes no answer, you're not being straightforward with them, you're validating. They're feelings and how those feelings must be hard. You're also going to be setting some healthy boundaries. This is a tip where you can draw a line in the sand of saying like, Hey, we need to cut out these questions. I will answer, let's say the question about cheating and they ask you every day
[00:17:00] Monday through Friday. So you're only going to allow them to ask you one time per week, meaning you will only answer it one time per week. So you're going to clarify these boundaries and you're going to be clear on when you're going to answer or when you're not going to answer. So you see, you're drawing that line in the sand. You're also telling them like, let's say for the meals, when you get together, if they're asking kind of like interrogating type questions that you know is probably related to the obsession, You can limit the discussion. You can say, hey, only on Sunday afternoons will we talk about this relationship question. And what's fascinating is that when you delay, skip, and decrease these conversations, it really gets less
[00:18:00] intense as time goes on.
And again, by having these boundaries, you're creating space and an opportunity for other things to come up. So we're no longer spending energy in that. negative, frustrating, confusing space. Another strategy for you is you can get a notebook where you write down all of the questions that your partner asks repeatedly and you can write down your answers. So the next time that your partner asks that question, you can tell them, go check the notebook, keep it in a central place, because this is a wonderful strategy in not only decreasing The time and energy spent. I Mean, let's be real, nobody
[00:19:00] likes to go on repeat and feeling like it's Groundhog Day answering the same questions over and over. So, you can just simply tell them, go check the notebook. And normally they won't check. Because, They know that the answer is there. See, that's where some of these doubts are obsessional because they have the evidence, they have the information, but they still don't believe it. With the notebook strategy, you're also not enabling them and you're not giving reassurance. Let me be clear. Reassurance will not, reassurance will only feed the cycle. And if you guys are doing therapy together, You know, your partner is getting the OCD therapy. You can help them with the exposures. You can be like their coach and their cheerleader. So you're doing the validation part, and also giving them
[00:20:00] confidence that they can do it. They can get through those difficult emotions because they are strong and they are capable. Overall, I encourage you to have patience and compassion with your partner because they're not trying to sabotage the relationship. They're not trying to frustrate you. This is the obsessions trying to take control. And it's okay for you to tell them like, Hey, these questions are too much. Have you thought about getting some support around these questions? Because it seems like there's no amount of reassurance that I can give you that will help this situation. And it seems like that's where a lot of couples get stuck. They feel like there's no way out or like, Okay. If they answer the question one more time, maybe it will go away, but that's not
[00:21:00] how it is. And as your partner gets help and starts making progress, again, be that person who celebrates the victories, even the small ones, because each step of progress will gain momentum very quickly. And ultimately, what your partner needs to learn to deal with is uncertainty.
And so continue to show up in how you want to show up. boundaries, do your self care, have clear communication where not only are you validating and giving, You know, confidence and positive affirmations to your partner, but you're also getting clear with them that you're no longer going to give them reassurance because that reassurance is ultimately not helpful for the relationship to grow.
[00:22:00] So in summary, obsessions can show up in any relationship and these thoughts are not easily controlled by the person. They can't talk their way out of it. You can't talk them out of it. They need support from someone who understands relationship OCD so that they can start to get the tools and the strategies and the
[00:23:00] techniques to behave their way out of these doubts. Doubts can erode any relationship. And if you're the partner, you're likely exhausted from all of the questions that your partner asks you, but you love them dearly, which is why you're listening to today's episode and you're looking for those ways to help.
Erin: And again, go to my website at value driven therapy. com. to learn and read about the ways that your partner can get the support that they need, but also the support you need in order to help your relationship thrive. Come back next week where we're going to be continuing talking about relationship OCD and let's get more into the nitty gritty about the relationship red flags, what's normal or not normal when it comes to these relationship obsessions. Look forward to having you
[00:24:00] back here next week. Episodes are released every Friday and the YouTube episode is released every Sunday. Take care.
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