Tackling Vulnerability: Practical Steps to Emotional Intimacy
Ever wondered what vulnerable means? You'll hear the concept of vulnerability, how to be vulnerable, exploring why it's important for emotional intimacy, and how it poses challenges for those with relationship OCD.
I share why it's so powerful to be open, honest, and authentic about your feelings, supported by relationship research that highlights emotional disclosure as a foundation for intimacy. I've got practical steps to overcome fear and create emotional connections, such as sharing daily experiences, expressing needs, discussing concerns, and talking through relationship OCD triggers.
Tune in next week for a special conversation with Rob Pizey about the Wim Hof Method for managing anxiety and OCD.
00:00 Introduction to Vulnerability
01:17 Practical Steps to Build Emotional Intimacy
03:37 Common Fears and Misconceptions
04:44 Avoidance Behaviors and Their Impact
07:39 Steps to Overcome Vulnerability Fears
10:22 Conclusion and Encouragement
11:26 Next Episode Teaser
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Erin H. Davis: [00:00:00] In today's episode, we're going to be talking about vulnerability. So before I go any further, vulnerability is all about just being real open, honest, and authentic with your feelings. That's all it is. And there's an interesting fact from relationship research where studies show that emotional disclosure, especially with those that we love, like when we are open about our feelings, The studies show that that is one of the key ingredients and building blocks for intimacy.
Yet, for those of us who have relationship OCD, being open and vulnerable feels like a nightmare! So, if you find yourself building emotional walls, creating distance, or feeling terrified of being too much in your relationship or being rejected in your relationship, Welcome to the Bossing Up Overcoming OCD show where I'm going to be talking about vulnerability such as why vulnerability feels so threatening when you have relationship OCD.
How fear of being vulnerable might actually be feeding your obsessions. And then I'm going to give you some practical steps. Start building emotional intimacy today through the power of vulnerability. So as someone who has worked with a lot of women Who are closed off, they're sheltered, and they're like, Erin, I'm, I'm just not good at conversation.
I'm not good at opening up about my feelings. Like, saying all these things out loud, or revealing this to the person I love. Wow, that's like a huge ask. So, I've seen how the fear of vulnerability has become Relationship OCD's best friend. And, it doesn't have to stay that way. Before we go any further, let me tell you about my friends at Thrizer.
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Okay, let's understand vulnerability, alright? Like, what is this thing? And let's, and being real, y'all, like, vulnerability was something that made my brain go like, What? Because it just felt so confusing for a while, but likely because it was a pain point in my life. I was on the struggle bus hard with being vulnerable because it feels like when you are vulnerable, like somehow you lose power, but that's not true.
That's the relationship OCD tricking you because while that was my fear and I have since worked through it, I now see how being open and vulnerable and having all that communication. Oh my gosh, it has completely changed my marriage and just how I feel on the inside. So here's some other common fears in the way vulnerability plays out with relationship OCD.
So maybe you've got the fear of, if I open up, they'll leave. That sounds familiar. They'll see my ROCD and think that I'm crazy. Right? Oh my gosh. And you know what? It reminds me of that movie with Will Smith and Hancock. Oh my gosh. The Hancock movie where she's like, call me crazy one more time. Like, right?
Like, women hate to be called crazy. It's a total fear and nightmare to be called crazy. Man, please don't do it. Just just don't. Uh, the, you know, the other common fear, and I hear this so often, is women feel like they're going to lose control of their emotions, right? Like, they're like, oh my gosh, if I talk about this thing, I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna cry forever.
Or that's just the ROCD feeding you baloney, because ultimately the paradox here is that when you are open, it actually creates more relief. So when you are experiencing these fears and you have OCD, there's going to be compulsive behaviors that go along with it. So let's talk about those behaviors and those actions with how this shows up.
So you might be very avoidant. where you are emotionally distancing, you're giving the cold shoulder, you're being closed off, you're [00:05:00] stonewalling, or you're overthinking about sharing your feelings. You could be using humor to deflect, uh, hence all the comedians out there. You're being perfectionistic. In how you talk and you know what I see this a lot too where women will talk so slow and I'm guilty of it, too I'm not saying I'm not because when I first started this podcast that was when I learned how to speed up the talk because I talk too slow and Yeah, you get perfectionistic in how you communicate so if you don't know how to speed up a podcast just hit the little button on the right hand side of Apple and I like to go about 75x.
That's just me. Personal preference. Okay, so when you're doing all these things, you're avoiding, you're being perfectionistic. You're holding back. Here's how it impacts your relationship. You're creating a false sense of safety. You're missing out on genuine connection. Your partner gets confused and frustrated.
They know you've got something to say. Something's on your mind and they're like, Hey babe, you all right? And you're like, Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah, they know. They can sense it. And in actuality, these fears become a self fulfilling prophecy. A self fulfilling prophecy in that you're worried that they're going to leave.
Well, guess what, girlfriend? They're probably going to leave because you are closing them off. You're not letting them in. Like, how can they have a relationship with you if you're not building that emotional intimacy and also signaling to them, I trust you enough to let you into my life and into my heart and in my emotions.
You know? Just food for thought. And to give you a clearer example of how this shows up, how many times have you spent like 45 minutes on a single text message? Because you write it out, you delete it, you overthink it, then you gotta add some emojis, then you're like, oh wait, no, the emojis are too much. And then you ask your friends what they think about the text before you send it.
And at the end of the day You just delete it and be like, okay, whatever you want to do. Yeah. So you have spent so much time in a full anxiety spiral. You're getting reassurance and then you still don't get your needs met. If any of these examples or situations sound familiar, know that you're not alone.
These patterns are incredibly common with relationship OCD. So let's talk about how to work through them. And here are some practical examples that you can get started with today. Alright, let's think about it like a ladder. And you've got your vulnerability ladder. Where you're starting small and working your way up.
So first of all, you can share small day to day life experiences with your partner. Second step could be starting to express your needs and your wants. And to do that, you need to use I statements like I feel and I need. Third level on your ladder is Discussing your fears and your worries. The fourth is sharing the mental battle that you go through with relationship OCD.
And then finally, actually talking through the trigger as it's happening with your partner. And with those self disclosure exercises, Do your best in staying very focused on the issue at hand. Don't get sidetracked because essentially what you're going to be doing is practicing just the one thing technique.
So the one thing technique, you remember your purpose and your goal for the conversation. Don't get into the weeds about who didn't take out the trash, who didn't do the dishes, did we get groceries today, or remember 15 years ago when you did not answer the phone when I called. Don't drudge up any old.
business or unfinished business, you're only doing one thing right now. And you can say, I feel unappreciated sometimes and I would like for you to give me more compliments or I would like for you to notice when I do the dishes and I would appreciate it if you would tell me thank you or that you would show some acknowledgement that I'm doing these things for us.
While this may feel scary at first. Remember that you can do it. You've got this. And if you need help in some self soothing techniques or communicating boundaries, you can start a chat today with my AI tool called Aaron Davis AI. It's a really cool feature where it's got all my knowledge. It's not ChatGPT.
It's not Google. It's the [00:10:00] It's an AI version of me. So I've uploaded all of my knowledge into this tool to give you 24 7 support. And the way you get to this tool is you can go to bit. org. And I'll put the link in the show notes for you because it's a really fantastic tool. So overall, we talked about the reasons why vulnerability is hard, yet why it's important and how we can start to implement those practical strategies to build a closer bond with your true love.
And remember, vulnerability isn't a weakness. If anything, you are keeping yourself stuck by not being open about how you feel. Vulnerability takes incredible strength, especially when you're dealing with relationship OCD. Each small step towards opening up is a victory. And it's a victory worth celebrating.
Remember your capacity for connection, your abilities, your strength, your worth, it's greater than your fear. If this episode resonated with you, hit subscribe, follow me on YouTube and Instagram, and you can find me on Instagram at Erin Davis coaching. And if you need immediate support today, go to that Aaron Davis AI tool.
All the links will be in the show notes below. And I can't wait to have you back here next week where I'm going to have a special guest, Mr. Rob Pizzi, who is going to talk to us about the Wim Hof Method and retraining your brain and your body if you have anxiety and OCD. Totally can't wait to bring you that conversation.
So stay tuned for that. I'll see you next time.
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*This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
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