School Refusal OCD in Kids: Signs, Symptoms & How to Help
In this episode, I tackle the tough issue of school refusal, especially for kids with OCD. I discuss the challenges parents face when their children refuse to go to school, exhibiting behaviors like crying, faking illness, and being generally uncooperative.
I provide insights on why kids with OCD struggle more in school, often leading to parents considering homeschooling, a solution I strongly advise against. I emphasize the importance of early intervention with an OCD specialist, detailing my therapy approach and the process of working with schools to support these kids.
I also share strategies for gradually reintroducing children to school and creating a supportive environment at home, including maintaining a healthy sleep routine, nutritious breakfast, and a reward system. Finally, I offer practical advice on managing OCD behaviors that interfere with school and stress the significance of collaboration between therapists and schools to ensure better educational outcomes.
01:10 Understanding OCD and School Struggles
02:07 The Pitfalls of Homeschooling for OCD
03:36 The Importance of Early Treatment
04:26 Therapy Options and Approaches
07:14 Recognizing School Refusal Signs
10:58 Strategies to Combat School Refusal
20:28 Creating a Supportive Environment
#schoolrefusalOCD #MentalHealthSupport #Therapy #SafetyPlan #SeekHelp #SchoolOCD #CopingStrategies #MentalWellBeing #SupportAvailable #ObsessionsAndCompulsions #SpecialistTreatment #SuicideHotline #EmergencyHelp #youarenotalone
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School Refusal
[00:00:00]
[00:00:33] Alright, let's talk about school refusal. School refusal is so tough on parents.
[00:00:40] This is the situation where you're the parent, you're trying to get your kid to school, they just don't want to go. They don't want to budge, they ain't having it, they are flopping on the floor, they are crying, they are faking being sick. They don't want anything to do with school, and you feel helpless as a parent.
[00:00:58] It's your job to get them to school, and you feel like you're failing. I get it, and I'm here to tell you some of the tips and strategies to help you and your kid get to school.
[00:01:10] Okay, so this may come as a surprise, or maybe not a surprise. to most of you, if your kid has obsessive compulsive disorder, they will inevitably struggle in school. Not only that, but they will struggle at almost every level of their schooling. And from what I've seen for kids who have anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, You name it.
[00:01:36] More often than not, they are asking and begging their parents to be homeschooled. Why? Because they don't want to do these compulsions. They don't want to feel the anxiety. And so, parents feel compelled to homeschool their kids because they want to make sure they get an education. But, , in the way parenting goes now, we give in to our kids way too easily.
[00:01:59] But, really, all in all, A lot of times parents of a kid with OCD, they don't know what else to do. And so they give in to the homeschooling idea, and I'm here to tell you that will not work. That does not solve your problem. That only puts a band aid on a super big wound that you will never heal on your own.
[00:02:22] Hang around until the end of this episode so I can give you more concrete steps on how you can help your kid get to school and how your kid can get the help that they need for,
[00:02:34] for feeling better about going to school, for looking forward to school even.
[00:02:39] So there's this research study that was published out on the International OCD Foundation website and it very clearly demonstrates and explains that kids in a family, the one with OCD is much more impacted in their educational development than the other kid who does not have OCD.
[00:03:01] , because what they also found in their research is that those with OCD had worse educational outcomes than those without OCD. So basically, think of it like your kid is going to struggle a lot more with school and they may not achieve those higher. level milestones. They may not want to go to college, right?
[00:03:24] And as a parent, I hope, first of all, I hope that you are encouraging your kids to go to college or to do a trade or to get a job. Please don't raise Dependasaurus kids.
[00:03:36] Okay, so this is the part, parents, that I need you to hear. If you get your kid into treatment sooner rather than later, they are more likely to achieve the higher levels of education. Can you imagine, like, Don't put it off. Get them in therapy today with an OCD specialist. If you're located in North Carolina or Virginia, I am offering intensive outpatient programs.
[00:04:02] , it's only for adults, but if you have a child who needs some intensive therapy or needed help yesterday. I'm happy to have a 15 minute video chat with you. See if we're a good fit. And talk about ways I can support your kid in school. Getting help with their OCD, or getting back to school, or whatever goals you're looking for. My type of therapy is very results driven, and we are actively working towards your goals each and every session.
[00:04:36] So,
[00:04:37] if you're brand new to therapy, Sessions are typically 50 to 55 minutes long. And we meet for that one appointment per week. And I encourage new clients to start out at meetings one time per week. for the first month. That way you can get some progress and traction up front, and then as things progress and things get easier and you're seeing results, then we will talk about shifting to every other week.
[00:05:10] And then at the very end, whenever it's like, wow, you're doing great, you're maintaining all this progress, you're doing a lot on your own, then we will space it out to the next group. One month, and that's pretty much a wrap. , because in that final appointment, we are doing a summary of all the skills you've learned. You'll get a handout. And even you as the parent, I've got some pretty powerful resources that you will take with you from that final appointment of like, warning signs for my kid.
[00:05:42] How I can support my kid on a tough day. These are signs that they are doing well. So, these are the coping strategies that help them the most. Here's how I can encourage my kid. So, I've got a lot of great information for you from start to finish. Like, I love doing therapy, if you can't tell. I love it so much that I am doing this podcast and I've got the YouTube channel because I want you guys to get results.
[00:06:07] Now, as you know, to get those results, Sometimes you have to call on help. You have to call a specialist. You have to call someone who's been there before, who's done that. And I'm telling you, I have done this many, many times. Especially for kids who have a hard time going to school. And so you may be in that boat right now, that struggle.
[00:06:31] Because OCD
[00:06:35] wants control. And when you're at school, you're at the mercy of the schedule of the school. You've got so many triggers happening and let's be honest, there's so much on teachers these days. They don't know how to address OCD in the classroom. And that's no fault of their own, okay? I'm not throwing shade at teachers.
[00:07:01] The system needs a lot of work. I wish there was a lot more, like, Montessori type of environments where the kids could just
[00:07:09] learn and move and do the things that light them up.
[00:07:14] So, the signs of school refusal you probably already know. It's flat out, they refuse to go to school. Why does that happen? Well, it can be easy to overlook things that are happening in the background. Alright? It's easy to get frustrated with your kid when they're not going to school. Because, you're like, all you gotta do is go to school.
[00:07:40] It's not that hard. Believe me, I've heard it. And, again, I don't blame you for feeling these feelings as a parent. And you've got, and that's on top of all of your responsibilities. You've got to go to work. You've got to go grocery shopping. You've got to put food on the table. You've got to do laundry.
[00:08:00] So, this is the last problem you need on your plate. All you need is for your kid to go to school, to learn, be happy, be well, and you're probably thinking, school's not that hard, and let's just You know, put your shoes on, get your backpack, and let's go.
[00:08:17] But instead, you're in this power struggle with your kid, and maybe they are asking for reassurance if they're going to get sick, or they are still getting ready. Y'all, for a kid with OCD, their morning routine can take hours. And it just grows and grows and grows and grows. And as the parent, you're thinking like, Oh my gosh, just get ready already.
[00:08:44] Just hurry up. But what you're not realizing is how many times they're having to brush their teeth a certain way or brush their hair a certain way or flip the light switch or they're in this debate
[00:08:57] or they're in this debate of which colored shirt to wear Because their intrusive thoughts are saying things like, Well, if you wear red, then that means you worship the devil. But if you wear black, that means you make it sick. And I get it. It doesn't sound logical. And they already know this too. And so they're probably going to be afraid to tell you what they're actually thinking.
[00:09:24] So, it looks like a lot of indecisiveness and It looks like a lot of worry, a lot of resistance,
[00:09:32] ,
[00:09:32] now in getting into the case studies and the experience I've had in treating kids who have school refusal, I will tell you that it doesn't get any better if you let them not go to school. I know it's hard and as a parent you want to help your child feel happy and feel comfortable But the answer is not to let them stay home.
[00:09:59] right, what tends to happen if you do let your kids stay home from school is that avoidance only grows. It only gets worse. And in fact,
[00:10:12] in thinking about a kid that I worked with and I advised the parent Don't let them be homeschooled. They still did it anyway, and their child then, guess what? They didn't want to go to softball practice. They didn't want to go to their friend's sleepover. So, it's like that avoidance only got worse, worry got bigger.
[00:10:38] And then on top of that, like, the concern was, how do we get this kid to socialize? How do we get them to build up their confidence and their self esteem if they're not around people?
[00:10:49] . And I've seen that happen more than once. Alright,
[00:10:58] so let's talk about those strategies to help your kid get back into school. First of all, go get help from a licensed mental health counselor, particularly one that specializes in OCD. So if you're located in North Carolina or Virginia, you can schedule an appointment with me. I would be happy to talk with you and see if we are a good fit.
[00:11:23] And in that conversation, we could also talk about
[00:11:28] The signs and symptoms that your kid has to even see if they have OCD. So, the consultation, I do want to make clear, it's a non committal. All I ask is that you show up and you do let me know if you're ready to move forward or not. Because there is a time limited opportunity for you to get on my caseload, and I will move on to the next person who is ready and willing.
[00:11:53] All right, so just keep that in mind if you're interested in working with me. Now, , so you're going to start with a therapist and the reason I say that is because you can get
[00:13:06] the support and the information that you need to help talk to the school, blah, to help You talk to the school or your therapist, you can sign a release of information, have your therapist talk to the teachers and give them some education around what your child is struggling with and how the teachers can support your kid.
[00:13:31] I've had plenty of calls with school counselors also because OCD is such a Unique and complicated disorder that you do need a specialist to help you move forward in your life or move or help your kid move forward in their life. So now some of you may feel worried or skeptical about having the school know that your kid has OCD.
[00:14:00] I get it. It feels very vulnerable and you may want to keep their information private. Again, I understand where you're coming from,
[00:14:11] but let me share this with you. There
[00:14:18] was another study done and it's published on the ResearchGate website from the Journal of Child and Family Studies that share that when the So, school was aware that the child had OCD, the child had better outcomes.
[00:14:35] So just in summary, like, once the school staff knows what your child is struggling with, and then they are then equipped with the knowledge and the information and the skills on how to help your child, you're going to see a big difference. This is a team approach, but OCD doesn't stop at school.
[00:14:59] And so the teachers can help be that coach for your child when you can't be there.
[00:15:06] Because as we know, it's very easy to enable OCD. And you're not trying to do it, but think about it where
[00:15:14] Your kid has a compulsion to erase and rewrite their work over and over and over to the point where they are wearing holes in their worksheets. Now, for many of you, you may be past that point and you're all digital. So, now that I say that out loud, I'm curious as to how the OCD might be showing up on the laptops.
[00:15:40] I mean, I guess, well, I guess you could be deleting and rewriting what you're saying multiple times because there's still this perfectionism. So, I guess paper or electronic, there's still a perfectionism coming through and anxiety that is driving that behavior. So, But, one of the tell tale signs that has been the case is that writing, erasing, redoing.
[00:16:09] And so, your teacher, or your child's teacher, can then recognize that, hey, this is a problem, and little Johnny is
[00:16:18] actually struggling with his OCD, so let me just put my hand and on the part where he has already written, so that he can move on to the next set of questions. Or let me give him a scrap piece of paper so that he can move that paper down his worksheet, so that he is not staying stuck on problems 1 through 5.
[00:16:39] Like, he can move on to problems 5 through 10.
[00:16:42] And think about the kids who compulsively want to go to the bathroom. Maybe that's for Or a worry about potty needs because that is another behavior of OCD that I would love to make a whole episode about. Like just the urge to go to the bathroom and worried about not getting to the bathroom in time.
[00:17:04] Or it could be their need to go to the bathroom to wash their hands. when your child does that, they are taking themselves away from their education and from their learning, and the teacher could then say, Johnny, you can go in between classes or Johnny, try to skip it this time, right? Because in OCD treatment, part of the progress is delaying, skipping, or decreasing those compulsions.
[00:17:31] Now, let's get into more of the specifics when it comes to the strategies for helping your kid with OCD and the school refusal. Alright, so first of all, I want you to start thinking of what is the opposite that they need in this moment. Okay, so, the first thing that comes to mind is they are refusing to go to school.
[00:17:56] So, the opposite is to take them to school. Alright, now that may feel like a lot or very overwhelming to your kid, but hear me out. Whenever you recognize the opposite of what they're asking for, I want you to break that down into small, small steps. Okay, so, here's an example. They're refusing to go to school.
[00:18:20] Opposite. Let's go to school. Small steps. Let's drive by the school.
[00:18:26] Next step, let's walk to the front of the school. Third step, let's chat with the school counselor. You see where I'm going with this? So we can break it down bit by bit and if you need even smaller steps then let's start with looking at pictures of the school on their website or going to their social media page Which might really relate to your kid, because they're used to the scroll, they're used to seeing content.
[00:18:55] And if they can see content that's being created from the school, normally it's very positive. Right? I love seeing all of those happy posts about, like, Oh, look at such and such bank that donated all these school supplies. So, if you are a parent, A business out there and donating school supplies. Thank you so much.
[00:19:15] That is such a blessing to all the children out there and to the parents, to the families. I just love it. It's so sweet. All right. But those are your tips. Okay. You need to think of the opposite and break it down into small steps. All right. And then tip number two, I guess it'd be like tip three or four, cause that was like a bunch of tips all in number one, but next tip.
[00:19:38] Do not let them stay home. The avoidance only gets stronger. The avoidance only gets bigger. And it's a lot more of a battle to make them go. Now, here's my hot take on quote unquote mental health days. Don't do it. Don't let your kid have a mental health day. You know why? Because they don't have the brain capacity and the mature decision making to see the difference in a mental health day versus quitting versus laying out and it just leads down this whole snowball effect of avoiding.
[00:20:21] So as you can see here, the main theme is don't let them avoid for no reason. Reason like no excuse like don't get me wrong if you've got to go to the doctor the dentist the therapist the things Then you do that, but then you go straight back to school Okay, another tip don't let them stay up late try to give them A good, healthy bedtime routine because by doing that they can get the rest that they need and then they're not waking up tired and cranky and just a basket case in the morning. Y'all been there, you know what I'm talking about.
[00:21:04] And probably those first few weeks of school were a huge wake up call for you and your kids. Yeah, summer's over, ugh, but yeah, let them get a good night's sleep. Here's another tip. In the morning, give them something to enjoy with their breakfast. Like, make them bacon and eggs. Have them eat some protein and, that something that they enjoy doesn't have to be bacon and eggs. Now, I do love a good plate of bacon and eggs. But The protein is going to help them feel motivated. It's going to get their dopamine going. And dopamine is that brain chemical that helps with reward and motivation. But, the other motivating piece here is maybe you give them a reward system where they get to pick the TV show for the night.
[00:21:59] Or they get to pick
[00:22:00] The fun activity for the evening, or, you know, maybe, , if they get so many stickers throughout the week, so let's say that they earn a sticker by going to school, and by the end of the week, if they've got all five stickers, then you will take them to the movies. Or you will take them on a play date. Or,
[00:22:20] whatever. incentive your kid needs. Now, I'm not saying buy them a Nintendo Switch. If anything, please
[00:22:29] don't feed into the video game world. But, more of whatever incentive is going to motivate your child. If it is, Money, make it manageable, make it something sustainable that you can maintain and honor as they check off those rewards and those tasks that you're expecting of them.
[00:22:54] . So, all in all, school refusal. can be a bigger problem than just not wanting to go to school today. It can grow into a big all avoidance monster. If your kid is struggling with,
[00:23:46] if your kid is struggling with this situation, schedule an appointment, schedule a consult with a therapist who can help you work through that. It is manageable and I definitely encourage you to work with a therapist because if you don't do it, your child is at risk of not achieving higher levels of education or not achieving their educational goals.
[00:24:11] So, get into therapy sooner rather than later and once you're in therapy,
[00:24:21] have your therapist and your school team. be on the same page. This allows for a more comprehensive and collaborative approach to get your child the help that they need and the care that they deserve, but also it helps them in moving forward with their anxiety and not letting it impact their school life.
[00:24:45] Another piece of information we talked about today was What happens if you do give in to avoidance, and if you homeschool your kid. It doesn't get any better. If anything, the avoidance gets worse. Then we finished off with the strategies of breaking down getting your kid to school in small steps.
[00:25:06] We also talked about having a good night's sleep, eating well, and creating a reward system.
[00:25:12] And, overall, you are a good parent and listening to this podcast episode shows that you're diligent and do the best you can for you and your kid and your family.
[00:25:26] And if you want more tips like this, also jump on my email newsletter. You can join my email newsletter by going to the show notes, I've got a link in the show notes, or you can also go to my website at www.valuedriventherapy.com and I've got an opt-in form at the bottom of every webpage where you can join the email newsletter.
[00:25:48] And come back next week, next Friday, when I publish an episode on agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is this fear and resistance of not wanting to go anywhere. So today we talked about resisting school, but next week I'm going to be talking about the phobia of leaving the house. The fear of leaving home.
[00:26:56] Alright, I'll see you then.
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