Setting Boundaries
Let's talk about how setting boundaries can change the overwhelming impacts of OCD.
I'll explain the concept of boundaries, why they are important, and the downfalls of not having boundaries.
You'll hear practical advice on establishing boundaries without feeling guilty. You can focus on building better relationships and self-care.
00:00 Introduction to OCD Awareness
00:07 Understanding Relationship OCD
00:43 Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
01:54 The Importance of Boundaries
03:27 Boundaries and OCD
05:16 Practical Examples of Setting Boundaries
10:11 Overcoming Challenges in Setting Boundaries
13:06 Personal Story: Setting Firm Boundaries
17:35 How to Set Boundaries with Parents
23:33 Conclusion and Next Steps
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Have you ever felt guilty for saying no or ever felt bad because, well no,
or ever felt like your parents were driving you up the wall but you didn't know how to set those boundaries? In today's episode I'm going to be covering,
in today's episode I'm going to be covering how to set boundaries and not feel guilty about it. So welcome to, well let me see what I want to say.
All right, and welcome to today's episode, and if you're, if you're listening on Apple or Spotify, please leave a review, write a comment, and share how today's episode was helpful. If you're out on my YouTube channel at Erin Davis Counseling Services, like, share, leave a comment, and subscribe to my channel at Erin Davis Counseling Services.
I'm glad you're here.
Alright, so what do boundaries have to do with OCD? I know.
So as I go through today's episode, I want you to be thinking about that problem, that person, that situation where you would love to make changes. And think about how some of these strategies can apply to your situation. And hang around to the end where I talk about how you can effectively set those boundaries and not feel guilty.
So, first of all,
boundaries are rules, they're limits, they're lines in the sand, if you will, about what's okay and what's not okay. And we do this to help protect ourselves maybe emotionally or physically. Mentally, whatever that looks like for you, this is where you are making it clear about what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior from others.
And I always like to tell my clients that you teach people how to treat you. So if you feel like a doormat or you feel like people are running all over you, I can teach you how, I can show you how to teach people how to treat you. Because we all want respect. Whether we admit it or not, we want to feel seen, we want to feel heard,
and we definitely don't like saying yes to everything. But if you're someone who lacks boundaries, it can be very easy to say yes to way too many things, and then you find yourself emotionally exhausted, you don't have the energy you need for your relationships, or for work, or whatever. Possibly, you've lost your sense of identity, so,
so yeah, if you lack boundaries, you could lose your sense of identity, maybe your safety is at risk, or even your own decision making, because you're not stepping up, you're not using your voice, you're not drawing that line in the sand. Because when you set boundaries, you are communicating clearly what you need and how you need it And you're also ensuring that your needs and your values are respected so that you can show up in the world the way you want to show up.
So how does this discussion of boundaries relate to OCD?
And to me, whenever you sit. boundaries and learn how to set boundaries well, you can almost draw that line in the sand with your OCD because OCD is a monster. It's a shapeshifter. It loves to rob you of your joy of your relationships And it's saying listen to me and guess what y'all you can stand up to your OCD and say no You can say I am NOT having it today.
I don't have to listen to you So therefore you are setting those internal boundaries where You are not going to act on those rituals or compulsions.
And then that leads into
doing actions and behaviors that line up with who you are. Because you're able, you're better able
to create this distance between your OCD and yourself by saying I know what's necessary and I know what is an OCD compulsion. Well, okay, so you know what's a necessary action versus an OCD compulsion. You see how whenever you start to create boundaries things become more clear and with OCD things can feel very foggy.
They can feel So, like, it can feel very overlapping. So much so that people believe that OCD is a part of them, and that is not true. Because again, with the boundaries, and whenever you get clear on who the real you is,
you can see the difference between
your real self versus your feared. Self, and you're not going to let your feared self take center stage. You're not going to let it have control.
So here's how another boundary example can help you if you're struggling with OCD. So your loved ones may accidentally be enabling your OCD. So for example,
if you are someone who is afraid of knives and your parents have removed the knives from the home, then the next boundary is mom dad like we have to bring those knives back because I have to face these fears I need to work through it and I need you to help me with that and so therefore your loved ones they're going to be no longer enabling the behaviors but you just set the boundary of we need to bring it back in so that I can get Peace of mind, so I can get further along in my OCD recovery.
And normally, someone with OCD, you are avoiding certain places or situations because that triggers your anxiety, your anxiety. It triggers your sticky thoughts. And so, the boundary you're going to make within yourself is that I cannot avoid these things totally and completely. I am going to challenge myself to face these things as part of my exposure therapy or as part of gradually getting familiar with uncertainty or lack of control.
And they, that may feel pretty intimidating. Let me tell you, in therapy, we start wherever you are, meaning we start where you're going to be successful. So even though we're talking about boundaries today in the sense of relationships
and the people around you, by practicing boundary setting, you can further apply that to your to yourself and to your OCD. But first, you need to learn how to even set boundaries.
And boundaries can be helpful because it can help us reduce stress, meaning that we're not over committing to things, we're less likely to burn out,
because you are learning to say no when it's necessary. And still, that may feel like a lot, but hang around till the end and I'll tell you how to do this without feeling guilty.
The other ways boundaries can help you, the other ways that boundaries can help you is that you can feel like you're in control of your life. Your preferences are respected, your values are respected.
You're starting to set clear expectations in relationships.
You're not allowing yourself to be that pushover anymore, where you feel like you're being taken advantage of, or building up bitterness and resentment. And when you start taking care of yourself, you end up hurting
yourself. And setting these boundaries, you may notice that your self esteem gets better. Because it's like you are affirming your worth and you're demonstrating self respect, right? Because in order for people to respect you, you need to respect yourself first. So imagine the self confidence that you will feel and that you will show by putting in place.
Boundaries.
These boundaries can also help you in achieving your goals and accomplishing more self growth and personal gain because you're not getting sidetracked by others goals, others demands, others expectations. Yikes. There is so much noise in today's world about, like, what we should do, how we should be doing it, and all the things.
So, when you start to narrow that down and get really laser focused and identify what your goals are and set boundaries around what you don't want, things become so much clearer.
Now the last part about why boundaries are helpful, and this is one of my favorite parts about setting boundaries. Now, I'm not the world's greatest at setting boundaries. No. Skip that. Don't say that. Alright, now, this is my favorite part about setting boundaries. It encourages others to take responsibility.
And by taking responsibility, they are accountable to their actions, which can then
improve your relationships, improve your communication, and improve your respect for one another. I mean, how many of us have found ourselves at some point in our lives in an unhealthy relationship or you've seen in other family members, like an unhealthy dependency or co dependence, things like that.
Now, every person can set boundaries. Hear me again. Every person can set boundaries. And as a matter of fact, I highly encourage you to set boundaries.
Okay, some reasons why people may struggle with setting boundaries could be a fear of conflict. And I get it. Like, conflict doesn't feel good. And it creates tension, and confrontation is normally not Highly uncomfortable, so
that could be a problem for you. Or maybe it's the people pleasing, right? You want to be liked, you want to be accepted, and in order to achieve that, you feel like you need to live up to others' expectations or you need to say yes every time someone asks something of you or, or just the fear of disappointing others.
You don't wanna disappoint anybody.
It could be a fear of rejection. You're worried that setting these boundaries will cause people to, like, break up with you or not be your friend, or it'll create some type of bullying situation, or just the guilt. It seems like women especially struggle with the guilt of thinking like, oh, if I put myself before others, they're gonna think badly of me and I should do this for them.
Or perhaps in your family it's not encouraged to prioritize yourself or to take care of you and it's more of a family comes first type of brainwashing.
And let me be clear, Putting your family first is not inherently a bad thing, but it can absolutely be a bad thing if you're being taken advantage of, or if you're not being respected, or if it's pushing you to have low self esteem, where you feel unworthy of asserting your needs, or you doubt that you have a right to share your boundaries.
Okay, so let me tell you about one of the first very firm boundaries I had to set in my life. And it takes me back to being a freshman in college, and I'm sharing a dorm room with my roommate. Now, a lot of you who have been to college, or you're in college now, you know that those rooms are, you know that those rooms are small.
And we've got bunk beds, two closets, and a sink. So our sink was for the purpose of washing our face, brushing teeth, and it was nice having a sink in our dorm room because it eliminated the need to walk all the way down the hallway to the shared
shower room.
So. One evening I'm hanging out with my roommate and her boyfriend and I imagine there was a curfew. I can't remember at the time.
I Can't remember at the time what the Boundaries were around When the boys needed to go back to their floor their room But okay, so my roommate and I we're on the third floor. Her boyfriend is living on the first floor
And it's past curfew. So he doesn't want to get caught going to the bathroom. Because there's no boys restrooms on our hallway. Right? Because it's an all girl floor.
And, guess what? He Nature starts calling and he needs to pee. So, I'm like, Nature Hearing them whisper, I'm like, what are they talking about? You know that feeling when you see people whispering and it's like, it's so uncomfortable. It's like, what are you guys talking about? Like, why can't you just say this out loud?
Alright, well, my roommate then asked me if her boyfriend could pee in our sink. I am not joking. I'm like, are, uh, what? Like, are you for real right now? You didn't just ask me that. Yeah, so, He wanted to use our sink to pee in.
And I'm thinking, yuck! No thank you. So gross. Not having it. You're not going to pee in the same place where I brush my teeth.
So,
now some of you, you may be chill with that and don't care. But, to me, as a 19 year old girl, I'm like, no, I do not want a boy peeing in my sink. Alright, so I told her, no. I told him, no. Did they get mad? Yes. Did I care? Mmm, yes and no. I, I did feel bad that they were upset, but at the same time I realized, this was not my problem.
So, me taking care of their feelings is not my responsibility. Me taking care of
appeasing her boyfriend, not my responsibility.
So, this may seem like a very obvious example of when you can say no and probably not feel bad about it. It's like, dude, just go on back down to your floor, to your boy's bathroom and go to bed. Like. Go on, but boundaries, if they're not put into place, they can slowly creep
where problems become bigger and bigger
and the impact is going to be much greater than just urine in your sink.
Like these boundaries can, well,
a lack of boundaries can build up A lack of boundaries can build up over time and slowly eat away at your joy, or impact your relationships, or your ability to feel happy in your job,
or to feel comfortable at home, as unclear boundaries lead to stress, anxiety, and feeling like you're out of control.
If you're struggling with setting boundaries in your life, I can totally help you. In therapy, we can work on how to identify your boundaries by looking at your values and where in your life things feel blurred or feels like people are overstepping and I can teach you how to be assertive, how to be confident, and how to speak for what you need.
And how to speak up for what you need. Don't let blurred boundaries create chaos in your life. We can work together to build structure and the peace that you need. Go to my website at ValueDrivenTherapy. com and click on one of the pink buttons that says book your consult today because you deserve to reclaim your space.
And share your boundaries.
So,
let's think of an example of how to set boundaries with your parents. Right? We've grown up with our parents. We respect them. But at the same time, maybe they are treating you in a way where you don't feel respected.
Alright, so let's think of the example where your parents overshare your business to the other family members. It happens, right, because maybe you've got a new boyfriend or you're struggling in college Or you've got some friend drama that you just don't know what to do with and then all of a sudden you hear your aunt or your cousin come up to you and be like, Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend broke up.
I'm sorry he was such a jerk to you. And you're like, Oh my gosh, I feel so embarrassed. Or, maybe it's the situation of
I heard you didn't do so well on your midterm No. Hang on.
I heard that you're not doing so well on your grades. Maybe you should study more. Maybe you should stop going out so much and just, just stay in honey and,
and get a tutor. You're too smart to have these. No. Hang on. Let me, let me think of a better example.
Or the example of maybe you're having frustrations at work and a family member is like, Hey, I heard that you hate your job. Why don't you just find a new one? And you're like, Oh my gosh. Like it feels very exposed because what you think you're saying in confidence
So here is where a boundary may be helpful because it is protecting your privacy, and it's also teaching your parents how to treat you. Okay, because if If you don't communicate boundaries, people will continue to do the same thing over and over, if not, let it get worse over time. So, would you rather things to get better, or leave them where they are?
Yeah, and if you leave them where they are, and you don't set these boundaries, you will continue to be disrespected, unheard, and ignored. You can be bitter, you can be resentful, you can be stressed out,
you could lack trust with your parents, and ultimately what you want to do in your, in all of your relationships is you want to have trust in people. You want to feel validated. You want to feel respected. You want to be honored. You want your needs to be honored.
Okay, so if you look at setting boundaries from the lens that you are wanting your relationship to be better, then that completely changes your energy. Okay, so your energy is then I'm not trying to be rude, I'm not trying to be
Falsy. I'm just trying to communicate how I would like to be treated so that you and I can have a better relationship. So that you and I can get along better, so that I can trust you more, or whatever, no.
Okay, so,
how do you communicate this?
When you're talking with your parents. You are going to be using I statements. I statements keep it focused on you and it Creates less defensiveness with the other person because when you say I statements you are taking ownership You are taking ownership and responsibility For your feelings and your needs so you're going to start with like an I feel statement or an I need statement And you keep your conversation solely focused on your needs.
Now, your parents may come back and say, Well, you've never had a problem with it before. Why now? Alright, here's what you're going to do. You're going to repeat your boundaries. Okay? You are not going to get sidetracked into
any other hooks or distractions. Same as OCD. OCD will love to take you off track and into its world, but you're not going to do that. You're going to stand firm in what you need, in what you know to be true for you. So, let me show you, or let me share with you how this could sound. So it could be, Hey mom dad, I feel embarrassed when Aunt Sally knows my business.
I need you to keep our conversations between us. Boom. That's it. It's not, is that okay? Or does that make you mad? Does that make you upset? You just say it, and then you stop talking. Just don't say anything else. That is it. That was clear, precise, no fluff, and leave it. Okay? Okay?
And if your parents Continue to try to distract. Well, no. Yeah. If they continue to try to distract or not honor your boundaries, then you can share with them that, okay, well, if you can't keep our conversations between us,
I may not come to you as often
because what you're saying here is that unless. They can keep your information confidential. You're not comfortable sharing,
you're not comfortable sharing your personal business with them anymore, and that is okay. And if they get upset about that, guess what? That's not your responsibility to take care of their emotions. They're adults. They are responsible for their own emotions. Now, hopefully, it could be the scenario of, oh, okay, I didn't know you felt that way.
I'm so sorry. Right? Wouldn't that be nice if the other person could just be clear on what you need and recognize that moving forward. And therefore, you are establishing more trust, better communication, and a better relationship with your parents.
All right, and I hope you found this episode helpful. In today's episode, we talked about,
we talked about how people commonly feel guilty whenever they say no. We talked about what boundaries are, why they are important,
what happens when we don't set boundaries.
and how boundaries can be helpful and beneficial for your relationships
and how learning to do this boundary setting skill can help you with your OCD. And then we ended with
an example of how to set boundaries with your parents.
So come back next week where I'm going to be talking about Just Write OCD and I'm going to be sharing how that is very different from the other OCD subtypes.
You're going to learn that Just Write OCD is more than perfectionism and you're going to hear how
it can show up in everyday life.
So, if you're one of those people that struggles to set boundaries, you don't know how to speak up for yourself, you've got low self esteem, but you really desire to be confident and assertive and you want to change your relationships, book a consult with me at ValueDrivenTherapy. com and I look forward to seeing you,
and I look forward to seeing you back here next week. Bye!
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