How Attractive Am I? Understanding Sexual Attraction Versus Intrusive Thoughts
Ever wondered if your thoughts about attraction are just intrusive thoughts or genuine feelings? In today's episode, I dive into a burning question from a YouTube fan about the difference between intrusive thoughts and sexual attraction.
If you, like me, are obsessed with love and relationships, you're in for a treat! We’ll talk about those pesky intrusive thoughts that pop up uninvited and how they differ from the natural, feel-good vibes of sexual attraction. Plus, get the scoop on my brand new 12-week group coaching program, Obsess Less, Love More, designed to help you navigate relationship OCD. Join me as we laugh, learn, and work through these challenges together.
To join the waitlist for Obsess Less, Love More- Click here!
02:20 Understanding Relationship OCD
02:45 Introducing the Obsess Less, Love More Program
03:43 Details of the Group Coaching Program
08:21 How to Sign Up for the Program
09:01 Diving into Intrusive Thoughts vs. Sexual Attraction
13:18 Comparing Intrusive Thoughts and Sexual Attraction
15:13 Emotional Responses to Thoughts
17:00 Reactions to Thoughts
19:39 Real-Life Example: The Notebook
-
[00:00:00]
[00:00:33] Erin: In today's episode I'm basing it around a YouTube fan who has been following my channel You And if you want to find my YouTube channel, , go onto YouTube at Erin Davis, and that's E R I N D A V I S.
[00:00:48] Erin: and their question was, what's the difference between intrusive thoughts, slash images and attraction, specifically sexual attraction? And I totally get it, because, in the confusion of, you know, what's an intrusive thought versus sexual attraction. That's what we're going to be chatting about today
[00:01:37] Erin: Okay, super excited about today's episode, because if you're anything like me, you love love. I love love. And, you know, just thinking about really getting specific on All the things around love because relationships are so important in our life and without relationships, I mean, we're nothing, right? And that really proved a point in the pandemic because we were so isolated, so alone.
[00:02:11] Erin: And , I think hands down, that was one of the toughest times in most people's lives. So. In the spirit of I'm doing a lot of episodes around relationship OCD because obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, all the things, they show up in the things we love most. And so OCD knows no bounds when it comes to relationships.
[00:02:40] Erin: To draw the line or the boundaries and so it's gonna attack your relationships. It's just gonna.
[00:02:45] Erin: And so because I love love so much, I've created a new program called Obsess Less, Love More, rethinking your relationship without doubt. Because have you ever found yourself endlessly questioning your relationship, replaying conversations or worrying about whether you really love your partner or whether they really love you?
[00:03:10] Erin: And then to even trump that, like wondering, am I attractive? How can I tell if I'm sexually attracted to them? , what if I'm not sexually attracted to them in a year from now, five years from now, maybe 10, 000 years from now?
[00:03:26] Erin: So all of those questions can absolutely come up in your relationships, whether you're in a committed relationship or not. Some people feel so held back by these thoughts that they don't even try to have a committed relationship. So all of the above reasons are exactly why I created a 12 week group coaching program designed to help you with the struggles head on.
[00:03:55] Erin: This is a brand new thing, but it's going to be exciting. it's all so fresh that I really want you to be the first on the waitlist because you're going to get special legacy pricing. Not only that, you're going to get support for your relationship challenges. with my coaching support and the support of others in the group. , the goal is to have four to 10 people on these weekly Wednesday night, 90 minute sessions where I'm going to coach you To finally start enjoying your relationship without all of the fear and doubt, hesitation and confusion that's getting in the way of your true love, or truly loving your partner, or even truly enjoying the relationship.
[00:04:48] Erin: So, this is going to create an opportunity where you are surrounded by other people who are also going through relationship doubts. You know, with a lot of support groups, even if you were to join an OCD support group, it may not all be about relationships and sometimes it can feel heavy. and hard to hear about the other OCD subtypes, especially if you're not going through it.
[00:05:14] Erin: So that's why we're really getting focused and zeroing in on the relationship because you guys are going to also be uplifting one another and supporting each other in this commitment to grow in your relationship without the doubt.
[00:05:32] Erin: And part of this program is going to be structured by my peace method.
[00:05:36] Erin: And in this piece, It's all about helping you break free from that constant worry so that you can find contentment. And we're going to work through all of the parts together. So as you hear these relationships.
[00:05:52] Erin: OCD episodes, whether you have an extreme case of OCD or just some relationship questions, this group is going to be more focused on the solutions and getting you to a place where you are enjoying your relationship again, where you feel fulfilled in your relationship.
[00:06:11] Erin: So in the peace method, the P is practice where you're learning and practicing.
[00:06:16] Erin: the strategies that will help you ease your mind so that you can have that mental freedom. E is for exposure, where we're gently talking about your fears and your concerns and your doubts. And we're going to be shifting your mindset to accept the uncertainty in a way that you can move forward and walk through this fog that you're in with your relationship.
[00:06:42] Erin: A is for acknowledgement because a lot of times people feel like this is just anxiety. And if they can do all this self care and calming strategies, then they'll be chill. It'll be fine. But In this acknowledged framework, we're accepting something that is bigger and different than just plain old anxiety.
[00:07:07] Erin: Like, this is obsessional. So we need to acknowledge that there's going to be different strategies and approaches to help us with the obsessions.
[00:07:16] Erin: C is for contentment because time and time again, all the ladies I've helped over the years, they are all seeking contentment. And they do get that where you're finding peace, not perfection, peace to the point where you're enjoying the moments that really matter.
[00:07:36] Erin: And finally E for empowerment, where you're feeling confident that you can handle the doubt when it comes without letting it control you. You guys love to feel in control. I would love to support you in accomplishing that feeling of control again, especially for your relationships through this.
[00:07:54] Erin: Obsess Less, Love More group coaching program.
[00:07:57] Erin: So every meeting we're going to have targeted strategies and open discussions and we'll have themes around each night that we meet so that everything is intentional and intentional in the sense that you're going to grow and shift and live beyond the doubt that is in your mind.
[00:08:18] Erin: Working you up.
[00:08:20] Erin: All right.
[00:08:21] Erin: So the way you sign up for this group coaching program, go to my website at value driven therapy. com and under the header that says work with Aaron, click on the group coaching tab. If you have additional questions, I'm happy to answer those before we get started. I encourage you to sign up now because once I get the first 10 people, The doors are going to be closed and I don't know when I'm going to be offering this program again.
[00:08:49] Erin: this group in January of 2025. So secure your spot now. By again, going to ValueDrivenTherapy. com, click on the Work With Erin tab and go to Group Coaching.
[00:09:01] Erin: if I haven't gotten your attention already, let's get into the nitty gritty of today's episode. And you may have stumbled upon this episode based upon the title, which is How Attractive Am I? Understanding Sexual Attraction Versus Intrusive Thoughts. If you're not already a follower of the show, please subscribe so that you can get updated on new episodes.
[00:09:23] Erin: The podcast episodes come out on Fridays and the YouTube video of the podcast show comes out on Sundays.
[00:09:32] Erin: So first things first, let's get on the same page about definitions. And even when I talk about intrusive thoughts, ladies will ask me like, what is even intrusive thoughts all about? Like, what does that mean? So intrusive thoughts are. Any version of unwanted involuntary thoughts that pop into your head and they create stress for you.
[00:10:00] Erin: And involuntary means you're not thinking about it on purpose. So for those with OCD, thoughts about sexual attraction can be particularly distressing. So people with OCD who have intrusive thoughts around sexual attraction They can feel particularly distressed and upset.
[00:10:22] Erin: So imagine you're just hanging out in a coffee shop doing your own thing. Maybe you're working on your laptop and someone walks by whether they're of the same sex or opposite sex, you have no intention of going to the coffee shop to check people out. But they walk by and all of a sudden you get a thought pop in out of nowhere, and it feels completely out of character for you.
[00:10:48] Erin: Or maybe even the thought feels bizarre, or it feels like You have done something that has led you to step out of your values.
[00:10:57] Erin: So it just feels like this cruel surprise party in your brain that You did not want to happen. So that's what intrusive thoughts are like. Now on the flip side Let's talk about sexual attraction . So let's get into the definition of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is a natural and often pleasurable feeling toward, , towards someone else. It's part of our human experience.
[00:11:28] Erin: Kind of like enjoying a good slice of birthday cake at your party.
[00:11:34] Erin: So with sexual attraction, it's when you feel drawn to someone. Maybe you feel sexually aroused.
[00:11:41] Erin: You feel excited. The sexual attraction comes with positive feelings. I want you to take note of that, of the positive feelings that come from sexual attraction. And we'll get into how OCD shows up in just a sec. So, I think we can all relate to the feeling of having butterflies in our stomach or whenever we're flirting with someone and those happy, feel good endorphins that we're feeling in those moments.
[00:12:11] Now that you've got the definitions, what are the differences? So, first of all, the primary difference falls under the intention behind the thoughts. So, Intrusive thoughts typically feel foreign, they feel out of the blue, they feel unwanted, they feel like they're coming out of nowhere, and they are what we call ego dystonic. They go against who you are, they go against your values.
[00:13:44] Erin: And so they stem from anxiety and they often don't reflect your true character or what you truly desire.
[00:13:53] Erin: And then switching over to the thoughts of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction can be experienced as a thought and a feeling and images. But you know, with the images that kind of comes across as like fantasizing, let's just kind of keep it simple with the feeling of being sexually attracted to someone.
[00:14:14] Erin: , so the sexual attraction, I mean, it's rooted in desire and interest and intrigue and maybe even a place of curiosity. So it just happens naturally and it feels compelling and you feel this energy to be drawn to that person like in a good way or in an exciting way. So as you can see, the intrusive thoughts feel like they go against What you truly desire and the sexual attraction is in line with what excites you and what feels positive And maybe even sparks curiosity.
[00:14:53] Erin: So a lot of positive energy coming from sexual attraction
[00:14:58] Erin: Now, let's talk about the next set of Experiences that people go through once they have the thoughts. Whether it's an intrusive thought or sexual attraction thought, let's talk about the response. We typically Attach our emotions to our thoughts. Sometimes we do it a little bit too prematurely. Don't you agree?
[00:15:22] Erin: Like, we can overreact, or get presumptuous about our thoughts a little too quickly. But, let's talk about the emotions. So, with the intrusive thoughts, the emotions that you're going to feel, because this is unwanted, and you weren't trying to think about it, and It's going against your character. You're going to feel afraid.
[00:15:45] Erin: You're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel disgusting. You're going to feel shame or fear, anxiety. You may even start to question who you are as a person for even thinking such things.
[00:16:00] Erin: Those are the feelings, just in a short summary of what you could be experiencing if you have intrusive thoughts about sex. That's basically what we're talking about today. I've just kind of left it generic at intrusive thoughts, but really today it's about the sexual thoughts and what is, , sexual intrusive thought versus, you know, sexual attraction. for listening. So now, on the other hand, the emotional responses you have with sexual attraction, again, is going to spark feelings of excitement. joy.
[00:16:35] Erin: You may even feel a sense of anticipation. Like you can't wait to see this person again. You can't wait to go on that first date or you can't wait to talk to them again. So you see how that energy is drastically different than the guilt, shame, disgust, fear, anxiety, stress, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:16:54] Erin: So now, we've talked about the thoughts. We've talked about emotions. Now let's talk about the reactions. again, kind of getting into the power that we give the thoughts.
[00:17:07] Erin: you know, it's easier said than done. And in fact, pretty impossible when someone says, well, just don't think about it. And it's like, we have up to 70, 000 thoughts a day. You're telling me to turn my brain off? Like ain't going to happen. And just like in an episode way on back, it was probably back in the single digits when I was first getting started.
[00:17:28] Erin: You remember the experiment, When I share with you don't think about the pink elephant. Yeah, what are you thinking about a pink elephant? So When we are reacting to intrusive thoughts, that can make a key difference if they stick around too long or they feel sticky and we can't move through it versus using strategies and methods to walk through it where we can feel at ease and non judgmental.
[00:17:58] Erin: So let me get into this a little bit more. So if you experience a sexually intrusive thought and you're reacting with that, judgment upon yourself, like you're not doing yourself a favor. All right. And a lot of people too, will try to check themselves. And I mean, like they're doing the checking behaviors and the actions of like, am I sexually attracted to this person?
[00:18:24] Erin: Let me stare at a picture of them and see how I feel. Let me do this thing and see if I'm sexually aroused by that. So, Those could be some reactions to the thoughts or then you could take it even further like, well, maybe I need to explore if this is true and you take it way too far with the sexually intrusive thought and you create harm for yourself and maybe harm for your relationship.
[00:18:51] Erin: Whereas on the reverse with sexual attraction, the feeling may be experienced as more accepting, more natural. You can allow yourself to fantasize without guilt. All right, see, key part, you can fantasize without guilt.
[00:19:11] Erin: And then to take it even further, you could experience those sexually attractive feelings for that someone and potentially like to ask them out on a date or ask, probably these days you ask for their snap or whatever, but you get the point.
[00:19:26] Erin: You start to make a move to grow closer to that person and you feel great about it.
[00:19:34] Erin: I'm already at Alright, so let's finish up with a story before we close. Do y'all remember the movie The Notebook? Love that movie. Probably one of my favorite movies of all time. In the movie do you remember how passionate it was about the connection between Noah and Allie. . So in the movie, their love was very electric. their love seems so strong that it convinces you that's what love is like and that must be the real thing. And it's tough if you're someone dealing with OCD or these relationship obsessions because,, our relationships are not a love story every day. Like, we have to pick up the kids from school.
[00:20:17] Erin: We've got to go to work. We've got to pick up the groceries. We've got to apply for college. I mean, so many things. So what can happen is whenever you're not feeling that spark or that sexual attraction to your partner, you could be left wondering, do I really love them? Do I really feel attracted to them?
[00:20:39] Erin: Or like, why am I even questioning this?
[00:20:43] Erin: And so it's hard when you see these Hollywood movies, because you can get into that comparison and the comparison is The Thief of Joy. I tell you, Comparisonitis is not helpful for anyone or any relationship. So, going back to the Notebook movie, Noah never questioned his feelings for Allie. But in reality, many of us can.
[00:21:08] Erin: We can question our relationship from time to time. And when those thoughts creep in, it can stir up doubt about Uh, you know, things that we desperately want to feel certain about. We want to feel certain about our connection. We want to feel certain about our attraction, maybe even the guarantee of the commitment from our partner.
[00:21:27] Erin: We want to feel sure about the future of our relationship. And so instead of feeling clear and feeling like there's I guarantee we can end up with endless questions wondering why we're not feeling the same level of passion Noah and Allie did in the movie.
[00:21:49] Erin: But here's the truth, intrusive thoughts, especially around attraction, are not a reflection of reality. They're just noise.
[00:22:00] Erin: And yet, even though these thoughts feel so real and they can make you question your feelings.
[00:22:10] Erin: They are not an accurate reflection of your relationship or of who you are or the reality of the situation or even the future of the relationship. And it seems like at least in our experience of relationships, whether you were taught this or you've seen it in the movies, or it's just an assumption,, so it feels like we're all conditioned to believe that attraction and sexual attraction should be clear, easy, always certain, and I'll add too that it should always be present that we should like be on fire for our partner all the time. Because that's how it shows up for Noah in the movie and other movies.
[00:22:55] Erin: But love in real life is different. And just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong. It doesn't mean that your relationship can be any less fulfilling. Intrusive thoughts don't have to define what's in your heart.
[00:23:11] Erin: So what can we do to recognize these thoughts for what they are? And how do you rediscover your true feelings without getting pulled down by the intrusive thoughts? Well, join my waitlist for the Obsess Less, Love More, Rethinking Your Relationship Without Doubt group coaching program.
[00:23:30] Erin: Again, this is a 12 week group coaching program that's designed for those who struggle with obsessions around your relationship. Maybe you doubt if they're the one, or you doubt if you're sexually attracted to them, or , all those what ifs that can come with obsessions. And when you're experiencing those obsessions, your relationship feels very clouded and uncertain.
[00:23:54] Erin: And so with this group, you're going to have me and other people supporting you and helping you along the way to help you create clarity and peace in your relationship so that you can reconnect with your true feelings and feel freedom in your relationship to truly love your partner and have peace about your relationship without. That constant second guessing that's happening now your life and your relationship deserves to be a source of Joy a source of fulfillment not anxiety not stress not worry not the doubt
[00:24:33] Erin: You can also click on a link in the show notes to get on the waitlist. This program, this group, it's going to launch in January of 2025 and it's only available for the first 10 people who sign up. You can also go to my website at value driven therapy. com. Go to the tab that says work with Aaron and then go to group coaching.
[00:24:55] In summary today, this episode is centered around someone's question. And, the question was.
[00:25:41] Erin: What's the difference between intrusive thoughts slash images and attraction, specifically sexual attraction? So you guys are not alone in these questions because these questions come up time and time again in my one on one sessions with clients and I'm so excited again just about this group program because in this group coaching program, it's literally open to anyone. And I love that you guys are bringing questions because that's what I'm here to do to help support you as best as I can. And so with that question, we talked about the definitions of intrusive thoughts, sexual attractions, and we took it. A few steps further in acknowledging the key differences between the thoughts, like the negative experience and the positive experience.
[00:26:33] Erin: We also chatted about the emotional responses and then how we react to those thoughts. And in the end, we're leaving off with the perceptions that we tend to take away from them. movies and how those are not an accurate representation of reality. That doesn't make it wrong, but I want you to remember that your relationship is deserving of peace and not second guessing.
[00:27:03] Erin: as we're in the holiday season, I invited back a previous guest to help talk about grief during the holidays. So come back next week to hear Dr. Heather Taylor talk about How to get support during the holiday season if you are experiencing grief. And subscribe to my show, the Bossing Up Overcoming OCD show, because I'm going to be
[00:27:28] Erin: Recording more and more episodes about relationship obsessions. relationships are so vital for our souls, and there's nothing else in the world that can hold you at night, like your true love. , so overall, go to my website at value driven therapy dot com and get to the group coaching program to apply to be a part of the group. Love to see you there and keep coming back week after week to hear more tips and tricks to support you in this journey of life and relationships. Take care, y'all.
-
✨Content is proudly sponsored by NOCD. Go to NOCD.com/savageto get evidence-based treatment from US locations & abroad!
➡️Obsess Less, Love more waitlist: https://bit.ly/4fyBobZ
➡️If you're located inNorth Carolinaor Virginia, Book Your Consult with Erin to schedule your free 15-minute video call. 🎥 Erin is now accepting new clients for an intensive outpatient program!
➡️Love the podcast? Awesome!Treat Erin to a coffee! ☕️
➡️Want more? 👏
Snag a spot on Erin's email newsletter to get extra tips, tricks, & insider info. 📧
ShopErin's storefor OCD-themed merch to brighten your day. ☀️
➡️Handpicked rec's for you:
Thrizer simplifies your insurance benefits for out-of-network care.
Descript offers powerful tools for editing audio & video, making it easy to polish your podcast.
Needing passive income? Open a high-yield savings account with SoFi& get $25 for opening an account with my link! 💸
*These are affiliate links, which means I may get a kickback (at no additional cost to you) if you purchase after clicking.
➡️Please rate the show with five stars, & select "Write a Review" to let others know what you loved most about the episode! ✍️ When you leave that raving review, shoot me a message to get your special bonus! 🎉
