You’re Not Too Much: How to Manage Needy Feelings in ROCD
ROCD can make you feel like "too much" or "needy" in your relationships. As a therapist and relationship coach, I’ve worked with many professional women who struggle with these feelings, and I understand how difficult it can be.
I’ll share some personal stories and give you tips on how to manage the overthinking and intrusive thoughts that come with ROCD. You’ll learn how to stop asking for constant reassurance, recognize fear-driven behaviors, and pause before acting on urges. I’ll also talk about how practicing self-validation can help you feel more confident and build healthier relationships.
Throughout the episode, I’ll help you challenge the false ideas your mind creates and encourage you to be vulnerable. You’re not too much—your feelings are valid, and you deserve healthy, strong relationships.
Join my Obsess Less, Love More program for more support in overcoming ROCD and building better relationships.
0:00 Introduction to Bossing Up Overcoming OCD
01:01 Understanding Relationship OCD (ROCD)
02:58 The Impact of Childhood and Upbringing
05:13 The Reassurance Cycle and Its Effects
07:31 Practical Steps to Break the Cycle
11:35 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
12:52 Upcoming Episode Teaser
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Erin H. Davis: [00:00:00] Welcome to Bossing Up Overcoming OCD, the podcast designed to help you take control of your life and boss up to OCD. I'm your host, Erin Davis, OCD therapist and relationship coach. I'm also a wife, mom to three, and dog mama. If you're overwhelmed by thoughts that aren't getting cured in typical talk therapy, it's time to climb out of that valley and enjoy the view.
Grab your coffee, pop in your AirPods, and join me as we explore proven strategies, personal stories, and expert advice to help you boss up and thrive beyond OCD.
Ever found yourself overthinking things, like you're so stuck in your head all the time that you can't even remember what you wore yesterday? Yeah, I get it. Welcome to the Bossing Up Overcoming OCD show. I'm your host, Erin Davis, a trained therapist and relationship coach, helping you get untangled from doubt and step into a place of clarity and connection.
If you've ever found yourself in this never ending cycle the what ifs and overthinking in your relationships, whether it's with a partner, a friend, or even your mom, today's episode is for you. You may have felt these feelings of, am I being too much? Am I bothering them? Right? If you're a people pleaser, you know what I'm talking about.
We're going to explore these thoughts and expose them for what they are. It's relationship OCD or ROCD. And I'm going to talk about the steps to help you get into a place where you feel more confident, connected and calm. First, let's start with this idea of being too much. This often comes from a place of overthinking and self doubt.
You may worry that your emotions, your needs, or your feelings are somehow a burden as if like what you're going through is going to overwhelm someone else like they can't handle it or they don't want to deal with you right and that already feels pretty painful just even thinking about it but i get it because i've been there too you could be saying things to yourself like i shouldn't bring this up they'll think i'm overreacting They'll tell me I'm being ridiculous or you could even be thinking to yourself, what if I'm the problem in the relationship?
Or it could go as far as maybe I'm not worth the effort. Maybe they don't see me as worth it. And here's a truth that might hit close to home. You are worth it. You are deserving of connection and deep fulfillment in your relationships. ROCD has a sneaky way of making you doubt yourself, your worth, your intentions, and even the way you show up in relationships.
These intrusive thoughts don't just appear out of nowhere. Now, research is mixed on OCD, if it's nature versus nurture, but I'm seeing a lot happening in the environment and the upbringing and the childhood of my clients. And well, I'm seeing a lot in my experience that comes from people's childhood, their upbringing, and The traumas they've been through in their life.
For example, you may have grown up in a household where your feelings were not validated. So many women are told to get it together, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out there. Keep going. Oh, or it could be worse, right? And it's so frustrating when people deflect your feelings or make you feel like you're being unreasonable.
They are just keeping you small. So annoying. Okay. When you're growing up in a household where you don't get validation, your parents don't empathize. You can start to feel like you're walking on eggshells because no matter what you say, it's going to be shot down. It's going to be deflected. It's not going to be heard.
And so then, You do start to feel like a burden because legit people are getting mad at you or they're not taking you seriously and so it can start to erode your self confidence and eventually you find yourself over apologizing, doing the people pleasing, making sure everyone else is okay, you're over analyzing you.
Text responses. You're even hesitating to share personal experiences or struggles. And eventually this leads to a fear of being vulnerable. You're not going to open up to anyone because deep inside you feel like you're not worth it. It feels like there's no point. I'm here to tell you things can be drastically different for you.
Here's another key point that can come up whenever you start to feel like you're quote unquote too much. People can tell you [00:05:00] that you're too sensitive or you're too selfish or too emotional when what they're really doing is gaslighting you into feeling like you don't matter. When the truth is you matter.
Okay. Next, let's talk about that reassurance cycle. When you're stuck in overthinking, your brain loves to play the worst case scenario. And sometimes that worst case scenario could look like, Oh, I brought up how I was feeling to my friend. And now they're probably gossiping about me to other people. And so what you end up doing is you may then go to your friend and ask them, are you okay?
Are we okay? Did I, did what I say upset you? Are we good or if it's like with your romantic partner, it's you're happy. In our relationship, right? Yeah, see, leading question, isn't it? Uh, you may also be asking yourself, what if I'm annoying them? And here's the thing, our minds are masters at creating stories that feel real, but rarely are they based in facts.
So, while this reassurance may give you a moment of relief, it doesn't last. In fact, it only fuels the cycle of overthinking and insecurity. Yeah, so that's why in my Obsess Less, Love More program, you're going to learn these tools and strategies. To help build your confidence. We're no longer going to feed this cycle that contributes to your insecurity.
No, ma'am. And so what we're going to do in this group is really get into the underlying doubt that doesn't go away, and we're going to expose it for what it is. A lie. It is a false narrative. So how many times have you like not called your boyfriend because you were worried that you might upset them or that you might bother them?
And so then when it comes to Reassurance whenever you start calling you may ask them. Hey, am I bothering you? You sure? I'm not bothering you It feels like I'm bothering you so You can get stuck in that reassurance cycle when in reality like your boyfriend was fine He was chill until you started asking all these reassurance questions And when you continue getting reassurance over time you are fueling the self doubt which essentially undermines confidence and your self trust and this cycle reinforces the belief that you can't trust yourself or you can't trust that this relationship is going to be okay.
So it's very unsettling. And so that's why it's so important to get the right tips and strategies and tools to help you step into confidence. Okay, so let's get into those tips. Practical steps to start breaking the cycle. And if you want a deeper dive into this, go to my website at livebeyonddoubt. com and you can get a mini course on this topic, or go ahead and jump into the full program of the Obsess Less Love More program, where you, where you will get 12 weeks of group coaching alongside support from me and other women who are in the same boat and are also wanting.
To have a relationship that is fulfilling and is secure. So, first of all, I want you to start thinking about what are those things that you do to feed this cycle. Like, first of all, is it the reassurance seeking? Is it the over apologizing? Is it checking? So, overall, start noticing what those behaviors are that are feeding your fear.
Okay. And what we will call them are fear driven behaviors. Okay. And once you've identified those fear driven behaviors, I want you to take it a step further. Okay. Step number two is to delay the urge. Take a pause, pause before you ask a question, pause before you check their phone, pause before you start to think, am I bothering them?
So when you take that pause, Challenge yourself. See if you can wait 5 minutes before acting on that urge or that fear driven behavior. Maybe even then, gradually work your way up to increasing that delay to 10 minutes. And I get that this can feel uncomfortable, and that's why I have support available to you because ultimately what you are doing is you are building tolerance for the discomfort.
Third step is to self validate instead of asking your partner or your loved one for reassurance, practice giving it to yourself because often the need for reassurance isn't about. The other person, it's actually about you trying to calm your own discomfort. And so when you find yourself in that space, try this exercise, like saying to yourself, it's okay to feel uncertain right now.
I'm allowed to have needs and it doesn't make me too much. You could also ask yourself, what is it that I'm needing in this moment? What do I need right now? [00:10:00] Can I? Give that to myself. Overall, one of the biggest fears with ROCD is that being vulnerable and expressing needs to other people, that this will somehow scare people away.
But let me challenge that thought with you. Vulnerability does not make you vulnerable. Too much. It makes you human. The idea that you're overwhelming or burdening someone often comes from the stories, those false narratives that your brain tells you. And it's not the reality of you nor your relationships.
So think about this. The people who love you. love you. They want to support you. So allow them that opportunity. As much as you enjoy giving and helping, allow them that same gift to help you. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual trust and openness. Your friends and your partner who truly value you want to hear what's on your mind.
They don't see your feelings as a burden. They see them as a part of what makes you, you. And how they can help, how they can show up for you, right? Don't rob them of that opportunity to show up for you. And here's another perspective. If you open up to them about your fears, they're more likely to feel closer to you rather than what you've been doing, which is putting up walls and pushing them away.
So all in all, healthy relationships are built on vulnerability and mutual care. It's not based on perfection. Or suppressing your feelings. So as we wrap up, I want to leave you with a few thoughts. The fear of being too much is rooted in deeper insecurities and patterns that are often tied to your past.
But the fact that you're here listening and willing to reflect on these points and how you show up in the world shows that you care about yourself and you care about your relationships. ROCD thrives on overthinking and reassurance seeking, but with awareness and with the right tools, you can reclaim your peace of mind.
I encourage you to start small with tracking your behaviors and then delay the urge to seek reassurance and move on. Practice validation. Be kind to yourself. Your progress might feel slow at first, or you might feel confused. You may not know what to do, but every step forward matters. And if this episode resonated with you, please leave the show a five star review and share this episode with someone who might also benefit.
If you're struggling with ROCD and need personalized support, go to my website at livebeyonddoubt. com and I've got some Awesome coaching tools there for you. Remember, you're not too much. You are human. Come back next week where I'm going to have a fabulous guest. Her name is Trish Blackwell, and she is a top rated show host of the confidence podcast.
And I tell you what, that conversation with her was ultra enlightening. I mean, really even challenged me to reflect on confidence and trust and self validation. And I can't wait to bring you that. That convo, so come back here next Friday and I look forward to seeing you then. Take care and have a great weekend.
Bye.
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